Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Biting off more than you can chew is insane

As you'll see further down I didnt know if I was going to post this or not. I decided to post it because its a step in the process of getting back on track. I cant sleep anyway so I just keep sitting here staring at it. Might as well releaase it to the world.

I'm insane. But you already new that. I keep doing the same things and expecting different results. I do believe that's the definition of insanity. I'm in a funk and I think thats obvious based on my post for the last couple of months. Pretty amazed you stuck around. I'm not so sure this is the breakthrough post taking me to the new me but I've got to start somewhere.

I need change and change starts for me by admitting that there is/are problem(s) instead of trudging along pretending I'm happy. Because I'm not happy people. Dont think I walk around pissy all day scowling and kicking small children. In fact its mostly quite the opposite. I laugh, joke and am very cordial. But in my head the shit is building. Building to the breaking point. Close friends are starting to see the cracks. And when I break, I fuck things up monumentally. It takes many months and sometimes a year to fix the shit I FUCKED UP. Because I create my own hell and I've been told I am my own worst enemy on many occasions.

I learned awhile ago (9 years to be exact) while in therapy (Yes, see I told you I was insane)to recognize when things are getting bad and the tools to help myself out of the muck.

One of those ways is to write. Well looky here. I've been writing. See, you all helped to save me. Give yourself a pat on the back. Another way, exercise. Hmmm, softball counts for that. I started playing on Monday nights 3 weeks ago. The knee is fabulous and works like a charm. I'm trying to get picked up by another team to play one more night during the week. And last but not least I just might need a little pharmiceutical help for a bit. Got an appt with the pill pusher in a week or so. And I'm NOT looking for anti-depressants.

Let me explain. I honestly think a lot of this started with my absolute boredom at work. And when I say boredom its also the inability to focus. ::Look a SQUIRREL!!:: I can do this job. I've proven I can do this job. I was 3rd highest biller last year on my team. I started out last January blowing away my personal best month in billings. And followed it up with my second best month. And then proceeded to fuck off and bill here and there but mainly live off the afformentioned laurels for many months and now my desk is a mess. (Please refer to the previous statement that I create my own hell) Anyway I'm off track here. I cant focus. I cant concentrate. I cant stay on task. I cant remember shit. All have the same meaning which is getting things done is a major chore. I'm a mess. I dont think I'm depressed. Am I heading towards it because of the other stuff building?? Probably. Maybe. More than likely.

So I think I want to try adderal or some form of ADD drug. I cant pay attention. I want something to make me pay attention. Please. I may be bored at my job, because quite honestly, I'm not going to like any job I have because I HAD the BEST job EVER. I loved being a paramedic. But, I cant be a paramedic anymore so GET OVER IT. Deal with the job that pays you the best and has decent people to work with and MOVE ON. The company I work for is a good company. I may bitch about the job but the company is one of the top 100 in Forbs. Its actually under 30 on the list.

I'm not so sure I will hit publish post on this one. I'm gonna sleep on it. I really dont want sympathy. Thats not it. I was anonymous on here for a long time and now, not so much. And thats ok too. I've made some really cool connections that I enjoy. But anonimity makes hitting publish post that much easier. Plus I'm a tad embarrased. This is a lot of shit to lay out there.

I needed to write it down, get it out. And I do feel better for it. A little. I origionally started this post to write about the big changes I'm making (not the reasons why). They just came out.

That being said this is what I'll be doing in the near future.

1) Starting tomorrow I WILL be a non-smoker. I am quitting. Even if quitting is for losers. I spend over $220.00 a month on ciggs. C'mon. Thats insane if anything is. I could take two months worth of that and go see my kid. I've been wanting to quit for awhile now. I am ready. Actually excited to start the process and get the worst of it overwith. I've done it before and lasted 8 months. I can do this.

2) In two weeks at work we will be starting something called Rock Your Body. Its a weight loss contest and just plain old getting in shape/eating better/living better program. Its 10 weeks long and my goal is to lose 40-50 lbs. I am waaaaaaaay too chubby and believe me I dont diet. I can count on two fingers in my life when I have. But I've slowly crept up the scale in the last 20 years and its just not acceptable to me anymore to be this weight. I will always be a "butter face" even with a good body and I've come to accept that and I cant change that part of me. I can change how my body looks and make it more acceptable and pleasing to the eye.

3) I've signed up for a 5k race on the Sunday before Rock Your Body ends. I think its May 26th. Even if I cant run the whole thing by then I will complete it. I'm not a runner, never have been so this is totally out of my realm. Training starts next Monday for this.

I'm thinking this may just qualify for Meleahs DTD. DTD is Doing Things Differently. She's got a post on her blog Momma Mia Mea Culpa HERE if you'd like to go check it out. Besides she's adorable, sweet, funny and a Jersey girl like me! I havent known her for too long yet but I bet I know her for a long time to come.

She really has been inspiring me to start something. Make changes to make me better. Thank you Meleah. Your just what I needed at this point in my life. That sounds so dramatic lol. But its true.

So thats it for the most part. What a long ass post. If you've made it this far you are a trooper! Thank you for sticking with me. I may become even bitchier in the next couple of weeks but I will write. I need to document the progress. As much for the release it gives me but also to help keep myself accountable. In the end I'll show you the results. I'll post a before and after picture. And I'll even give you numbers. The starting weight and my goal weight and my end weight so we can see if I made it.

Let the fun begin.


Capt. Schmoe said...

Crazier than some, saner than most. It's really all one can hope for.

I'm still working on it.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I love your posts and I love this one the most.

So don't go away. Use this and us, my dear peedee, to swim on the deeper side of the pool. happy to take my turn spotting the weight-lifting and lifeguarding the deeps.

Much love and support,
Ann T.

Bloviating Zeppelin said...

Well, I have to tell you, you have my esteemed adoration and respect for 1. Recognizing a problem and then, more importantly, 2. Making the deCISion to do something about it.

I too, preCISEly, am like this right now: "I cant focus. I cant concentrate. I cant stay on task. I cant remember shit." That describes me to a "T" these days.

I've written about it in my blog a time or two but it just doesn't stop. I've been drinking way too much. I'm not interested in much of anything; almost literally NOthing interests me. I'm only at step 1. I know what the problem is. I'm too damned fat, don't exercise, drink too much, and I'm depressed. I KNOW what to do: lose weight, stop the booze, get into an exercise regimen. Hell, I did it once; in 2005/2005 I lost 85 pounds. And then in the ensuing years put it all back on and a few lubs more.

I KNOW this. My brain TELLS me this. But I just can't get up the, well, interest and make the damned decision.

I gotta tell ya, God bless ya for being able to set your brain and then take the actual first steps in order to complete the goal. I'm sure as hell not there yet but I sure as hell want to be.

And see, there I go, bleeding all over your blog when I should go bleed over at mine. Except I've bled enough over there and I know how boring it would be. No one much cares. It would be a resounding chorus of GTFOI.

But I know exACTly what you're going through.


Mrs. Bunker said...

Maybe March is a bad month even for people in the sunshine state. I'm pretty wrecked lately myself.

A few thoughts:
The thing that helped me quit smoking more than anything else was running. I think the 5K is a great idea. Softball counts as exercise, but getting your heart rate up for at least 20 minutes a day does amazing things for mental clarity and disposition in general. I've run my way out of many a bleak day.

And your job: Clearly the mindless monotony is making you despondent because you've already conquered and are now bored out of you're mind. Obviously this is not the time to walk away from a secure position with benefits, but that doesn't mean you can't look for something that would spark your interest and maybe even enjoy.

There are a few meds indicated for adult ADD, but I'd suggest SHORT term use, maybe just enough to kick start the running program.
There are some good training programs available on-line for beginning runners prepping for a 5K. When I replaced smoking with running I immediately became obsessive about it and got injured which was a setback; don't do that.

Anyway, vent your spleen, kick a kitten, and rev it up. I'm cheering for ya sister.

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh honey, you and I are going to be friends for a very long time!

I am sorry you are in such a funk. Not being able to concentrate or sleep can be extremely frustrating!

Maybe ADD meds will help! But, I have no idea!

Quitting Smoking AND starting an exercise program IS totally DTD! In fact, that's DTD HARD CORE style!

Even I am NOT ready to try that! Hell, I pay 8.00 for one pack of cigarettes. And I smoke A LOT! So yeah, maybe I will THINK about it, if only to save $$!!

I gotta say, I am very happy you posted this. I just love listening to and reading the REAL and 'RAW'.

Bloviating Zeppelin said...

BTW, just put ya into my The Usual Suspects blogroll.


peedee said...

Schmoe you always know what to say. Brevity that speaks volumes. <3

Ann I'm not goin anywhere. I just dont want to turn into one of those boring always complaining bloggers. I miss bein funny or at least trying to be funny in my post. I want to get back to that and I will. Its another goal. I know you always got my back. I got yours. Your my sista from anotha motha. ;)

BZ, you my friend have an amazing mind and a wealth of good things to pass on to the world. Thank you for posting what you did. That took guts and I'm thinking it means your very close to doing something about how your feeling these days. You know this as well as I do....its 10x's more exhausting to feel shitty all the time than to be happy or at least content.

And you bleed all over my blog whenever the you want. You've got the bosses permission. Hell I'll even give you access if you want to make a plan, post it and post on your progress. My resolve to accomplish those goals I posted is much stronger since I hit the submit button. And just a thought for the future if your interested....You like to take pictures and your GOOD at it. How about a post or two on my blog with pictures of the kids. You know how much I love dogs and it would make me happy. =)

Baby steps BZ. Pick one thing to Do Differently starting this weekend. One thing thats all. Walk the dogs around the block or drink half as much. Take some picures of your dogs and show them to us. Baby steps my dear.
You have my email as well. Please dont hesitate if you want to talk. I may not take care of myself very well but I'm really good at taking care of other people. I do care. <3
Oh and thanks for the add to your blogroll. You made me smile once again. =)

Edith you always come thru with the best ideas and advice. I love that line, "I've run my way out of many a bleak day". I so want to succeed at this running thing since I've told myself my whole life that I cant run.

And as far as the job goes, your spot on about the whole changing to another at this time. I'm doing some things differently at work. Trying to create a challenge for myself.

If ya get a chance, email me or post a link here to the program that you think is good for the beggining runner of the 5k. Your the runner and you've been thru it so I trust your judgement. You are the doctah afterall. lol

And as far as the meds go, I'll be chatting up the pill pusher and let ya know what she says. And I'll take your opinion on that one too.
Thanks so much again I do appreciate it. And have a great time on your trip. I dont think you've left yet. The sun is gonna feel soooooo good. Get a tan on your tummy and sand between your toes. Sip big umbrella drinks and take pictures!!! You work hard and deal with that crazeeee Archie all the time. You deserve this momma!! <3

Meleah you were the catalyst for most of this. Give yourself a pat on the back and a kudos. I've been reading and re reading your DTD post and realizing each time that it just takes the first step. When I succeed I'm going to do something for you. I'm still thinking about what it should be but rest assured it will be worthy.

$8.00 a pack??? Oh hell no. I'd have quit long ago if that was the case. I'm paying, ah check that WAS paying $5.50 and flipping out.
Thanks my sista from Jersey. ;) <3

You all are amazing wonderful people and you inspire me to succeed. Thank You for caring enough to comment on an uncomfortable post.
Someday I will meet each and every one of you in person. Dont doubt it. ;)

Linnnn said...

What everybody said. I cannot add another thing except I too took a ride down the rabbit hole since 2010 started...What happened to us all? Some hairy-ass self destructive cosmic shift out there? Well, let's shift back, band together as mutual mood elevators, and say "Get the funk outta here!"

I can't run, too close to the surgery and my innards ain't right yet, but I will walk...

Angelia Sims said...

You remind me of myself. I feel so crazy half the time -totally ADD - and I go to your blog and read this. I don't feel so alone in my crazy world! Ha!

I quit smoking cold turkey 2006. It was the hardest two weeks of my life but worth every fighting moment. $$ to see Lauren for real!!

I am trying a 5K April, sad thing is, I used to run half marathons. Now, I'll barely eek out 3 miles. 50lbs extra is harder to run with and I despise dieting. Don't tell me what I can't it!! Lol.

My job has me batty. There is no structure, nor respect for nanagement. I learned in my old age rules work much better than chaos.

I hope you know how glad I am to have met you. I'm rooting for your life to be better. I know you can do it!! But please don't cure your insanity because I love that about you.

Angelia Sims said...

Any errors in words and spelling you can thank iPhone which really sucks to be using for a long comment. :-)

peedee said...

Linnnn you've been thru a lot in the last couple of months. And ur doin fabu really. Keep it up and I cant wait till the end of the month. =)

Thanks Ange, I'm very glad we met as well. Your life might be crazy but you have everything moving in the right direction. I could learn a thing or two from you. And you did pretty good on the iPhone!