As you'll see further down I didnt know if I was going to post this or not. I decided to post it because its a step in the process of getting back on track. I cant sleep anyway so I just keep sitting here staring at it. Might as well releaase it to the world.
I'm insane. But you already new that. I keep doing the same things and expecting different results. I do believe that's the definition of insanity. I'm in a funk and I think thats obvious based on my post for the last couple of months. Pretty amazed you stuck around. I'm not so sure this is the breakthrough post taking me to the new me but I've got to start somewhere.
I need change and change starts for me by admitting that there is/are problem(s) instead of trudging along pretending I'm happy. Because I'm not happy people. Dont think I walk around pissy all day scowling and kicking small children. In fact its mostly quite the opposite. I laugh, joke and am very cordial. But in my head the shit is building. Building to the breaking point. Close friends are starting to see the cracks. And when I break, I fuck things up monumentally. It takes many months and sometimes a year to fix the shit I FUCKED UP. Because I create my own hell and I've been told I am my own worst enemy on many occasions.
I learned awhile ago (9 years to be exact) while in therapy (Yes, see I told you I was insane)to recognize when things are getting bad and the tools to help myself out of the muck.
One of those ways is to write. Well looky here. I've been writing. See, you all helped to save me. Give yourself a pat on the back. Another way, exercise. Hmmm, softball counts for that. I started playing on Monday nights 3 weeks ago. The knee is fabulous and works like a charm. I'm trying to get picked up by another team to play one more night during the week. And last but not least I just might need a little pharmiceutical help for a bit. Got an appt with the pill pusher in a week or so. And I'm NOT looking for anti-depressants.
Let me explain. I honestly think a lot of this started with my absolute boredom at work. And when I say boredom its also the inability to focus. ::Look a SQUIRREL!!:: I can do this job. I've proven I can do this job. I was 3rd highest biller last year on my team. I started out last January blowing away my personal best month in billings. And followed it up with my second best month. And then proceeded to fuck off and bill here and there but mainly live off the afformentioned laurels for many months and now my desk is a mess. (Please refer to the previous statement that I create my own hell) Anyway I'm off track here. I cant focus. I cant concentrate. I cant stay on task. I cant remember shit. All have the same meaning which is getting things done is a major chore. I'm a mess. I dont think I'm depressed. Am I heading towards it because of the other stuff building?? Probably. Maybe. More than likely.
So I think I want to try adderal or some form of ADD drug. I cant pay attention. I want something to make me pay attention. Please. I may be bored at my job, because quite honestly, I'm not going to like any job I have because I HAD the BEST job EVER. I loved being a paramedic. But, I cant be a paramedic anymore so GET OVER IT. Deal with the job that pays you the best and has decent people to work with and MOVE ON. The company I work for is a good company. I may bitch about the job but the company is one of the top 100 in Forbs. Its actually under 30 on the list.
I'm not so sure I will hit publish post on this one. I'm gonna sleep on it. I really dont want sympathy. Thats not it. I was anonymous on here for a long time and now, not so much. And thats ok too. I've made some really cool connections that I enjoy. But anonimity makes hitting publish post that much easier. Plus I'm a tad embarrased. This is a lot of shit to lay out there.
I needed to write it down, get it out. And I do feel better for it. A little. I origionally started this post to write about the big changes I'm making (not the reasons why). They just came out.
That being said this is what I'll be doing in the near future.
1) Starting tomorrow I WILL be a non-smoker. I am quitting. Even if quitting is for losers. I spend over $220.00 a month on ciggs. C'mon. Thats insane if anything is. I could take two months worth of that and go see my kid. I've been wanting to quit for awhile now. I am ready. Actually excited to start the process and get the worst of it overwith. I've done it before and lasted 8 months. I can do this.
2) In two weeks at work we will be starting something called Rock Your Body. Its a weight loss contest and just plain old getting in shape/eating better/living better program. Its 10 weeks long and my goal is to lose 40-50 lbs. I am waaaaaaaay too chubby and believe me I dont diet. I can count on two fingers in my life when I have. But I've slowly crept up the scale in the last 20 years and its just not acceptable to me anymore to be this weight. I will always be a "butter face" even with a good body and I've come to accept that and I cant change that part of me. I can change how my body looks and make it more acceptable and pleasing to the eye.
3) I've signed up for a 5k race on the Sunday before Rock Your Body ends. I think its May 26th. Even if I cant run the whole thing by then I will complete it. I'm not a runner, never have been so this is totally out of my realm. Training starts next Monday for this.
I'm thinking this may just qualify for Meleahs DTD. DTD is Doing Things Differently. She's got a post on her blog Momma Mia Mea Culpa HERE if you'd like to go check it out. Besides she's adorable, sweet, funny and a Jersey girl like me! I havent known her for too long yet but I bet I know her for a long time to come.
She really has been inspiring me to start something. Make changes to make me better. Thank you Meleah. Your just what I needed at this point in my life. That sounds so dramatic lol. But its true.
So thats it for the most part. What a long ass post. If you've made it this far you are a trooper! Thank you for sticking with me. I may become even bitchier in the next couple of weeks but I will write. I need to document the progress. As much for the release it gives me but also to help keep myself accountable. In the end I'll show you the results. I'll post a before and after picture. And I'll even give you numbers. The starting weight and my goal weight and my end weight so we can see if I made it.
Let the fun begin.