Tuesday, March 30, 2010

eM khuF

Some days my kid can skewer my heart, rip it out of my chest, throw it on the ground and stomp on it. And not even know she's doing it.

It doesnt happen often but when it does my head and heart just reel.

I'm pretty sure she knows I'm her biggest champion, loudest cheerleader and just plain best confidant she'll ever have. She just must forget sometimes. Either that or I have to get over myself and realize I'm not everything my mind has me cracked up to be. I dunno.

She's coming home this weekend and I was informed this afternoon she'll be spending most of her time with her significant other. This trip is for them and although she'll see us (family) we are not the priority so dont expect much.

I'm jealous if I must admit the ugly truth. And the truth hurts.

Whiny fucking baby post. yay me. But I needed to vent.


Sisu said...

Mommies are always allowed whiny fucking baby posts. It's in our contract. There's that adjustment when we realize the sun doesn't rise and set on us in our child's eyes anymore and before they realize that the fam is equally as important as the SO. At least that's the way it was for me. Will I be so sanguine when I'm on the parent's side of the equation? Probably not. So vent away.

meleah rebeccah said...

I would feel the same way as you.

My son is 13 years old and while loves me to death and lives with me full time, sometimes I do get jealous of how MUCH he would RATHER be with his friends all the time. I mean, I KNOW its the normal progression in life, but every now and again, I miss the days when he was still MY BABY.

Ann T. said...

Dear peedee,
Oh, ouch!

Now I know you won't easily take this advice, but here it is:

you're busy too.

You're willing to accommodate Their schedule, of course--but--you have something going on afterward,something fun, that catapults you out the door first.

That's not to stick it to them, but to remind you that you do have a life going. And the always daughter evah gets hugs and kisses, just as hard, but she also knows you are a vibrant person in your own right.

Think about it--

Ann T.

peedee said...

Thank you guys, I appreciate your comments. And while I'm still hurt I know its part of the letting go I need to do. Its actually getting easier the longer she's away. I can say that 18 months ago this would have sent me over the edge. Yesterday was a mini freak out that I didnt even voice to her. Sisu, I hope with all my being she gets the equally important thing down soon. lol

And Meleah I want my two year old back to do it all over again. Not differently mind you, just to do it again.

I'm not going to walk out early Ann, although I like the idea of it I just cant do that. I will spend what time she has allotted us and enjoy it. Then when its time for goodbyes I'll say goodbye, noting "I was just on my way out too" and be off at the same time. Thats all I got momma. Baby steps. ;)

Ann T. said...

Dear peedee,
That's a good plan! Go with that.

Ann T.

Bloviating Zeppelin said...

Not having kids, I'm no reference point, but I can certainly understand the hurt feelings. All you can do is hope you've done your best to instill the proper ethics and life skills, let go, and watch her make her way. I guess. But that's the purpose of many posts, to vent. Don't think I don't do it. I just popped off big time at my own house with a major rant.

Don't have kids, but I do think I understand. And you're not the only one whose weight-fighting and addiction path is moving in a zigzag fashion either.


Capt. Schmoe said...

Ya mean I'm still gonna care after the little turdballs move out?

Damn. Thanks Peedee for messing up my day.

Seriously, good luck with this, there's prolly not much that can be done about it anyway. That's why venting is good.

peedee said...

Keep at it BZ. I'm not giving up so neither can you.

And Capt, its definately a process and not easy but do-able. I'm getting better at it. Thanks for listening. ;)