Failures, Success & The Brain

So update time. I dont wanna but I gotta. Accountability.

I've failed miserably at quitting smoking. I have cut back but I just cant seem to quit. This in turn is having an affect (or is it effect?) on my running program.

I cant breath therefore I cant run. Plain and simple.

So I'm walking. I walk 4 miles a night. From my house to the beach and back. Per mapquest its 1.8 miles each way so yeah, almost 4 miles. I have to get this running thing down though. I've signed up for a 5K at the end of May and somethings got to give.




I started the Rock Your Body program at work two weeks ago on March 15 which is a "get healthy, lose weight" type of competition if you will. I'm on a team with 5 guys. As of my weigh in yesterday I'm down 11 lbs. =) I did measurements last week and I've lost a few inches already too. I've changed my eating habits and I'm drinking tons of water (yuk). I used to put down at least 400-500 carbs a day and now I'm maxing 75-80 a day. I miss bread. I aint gonna lie. I've cut calories as well to under 1,000 a day. Somedays its even less. I'm not that hungry anyway and there is a reason for that which I'll get to.

I finished the neurobehavioral testing last week with the neuropsychologist. All 10 hours of it. OMG. He tested me up, down and sideways. Every part of my brain was used and I left there after each 2 1/2 hours session mentally exhausted. I tried my hardest to do my best and obtain the best scores on everything. Some of the stuff we did was downright boring and others were easy. Some things I couldnt do and others I couldnt finish as they got harder and harder. I felt really stupid at times. Especially with the memory stuff. And although I havent gotten the report he did send me out the door reassuring me that I am pretty smart and I definately have some ADD issues which will benefit from a stimulant.

He also said I have some TBI (traumatic brain injury) issues. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it and dont feel like going back to look but I've had a skull fracture as well as multiple concussions in my life. He also did an IQ test along with tons of others. He gave me an estimate of what he thinks my IQ is and I'm not sure I believe him. Once he scores it and gives me the official I might let you all know.


So this brings me to the stimulant. I've been taking Adderall off and on for about 2 weeks now on work days. I didnt take it on the days I went for the testing because I didnt want it to skew the results. It does work for work. I focus and I am not nearly as bad with the "squirrel!!!" syndrome. The days I took it I felt and saw the difference in my production. So we'll see. The neuropsychs report goes to the neurologist and he decides if I go on meds. I hope so because this crap is expensive without a script.

So thats it. My life in a nutshell lately.

Just call me Carlton Fisk

I was invited to play a softball game this past Saturday by an old friend that I used to play co-ed with on weeknights. He didnt give me much info, just that the the game was at 3:30pm. Little did I know it would be so much more.

I get there and he knows I just (last august) had my ACL Replacement Surgery and he says, "I have you catching so you dont have to pivot and hurt your knee". WTF???????????? Really?? Squatting is good for my knee? NOT. And I love catching without a mask. NOT. I dont want my teeth anymore. Nope, that or my nose. FUHK. But I want to play, so I politely thank him and I catch.


Now I'd also like to state I'm a flippen grandmother compared to everyone on this team. Well, maybe not that old but I could have been a majority of the players mother. 3 of the girls went to FAU and were only a couple of years ahead of Lauren when she was there...doing the math this makes them ohhhh 23 or 24 years old. Two of the guys were 19!!! Jesus what did I get myself into?? But Coach Dave has faith in me. Plus he was probably desperate and he knows I will sell my soul to play ball.

The game goes well, I went 3 for 4 hitting and handled the bullets that were thrown my way when the play was at the plate. After all I WAS a catcher in my day and I'm not afraid. Note: Not afraid is KEY behind the plate. Even when a 250lb moose is barreling down on you, starts his slide 10 feet from the plate and will destroy your new ACL if he has his way. The throw was late and I lifted my homeplate blocking left leg with its new ACL out of his way just in time. phew.

So the game ends and I go to thank Coach Dave for inviting me to play and he's all, "Noooooo, no, no, where are you going??? We have a minimum 3 games. This is a tournament". Shit. I didnt plan on staying for 6 hours. He didnt say anything about tournament!! Its now 5:15 and the dogs have to be fed and go out. "Ok Coach, let me make a phone call and get the boys taken care of and you got me". Secretly inside I'm doing the fistpump. Yeah!!! 2 more games!! Wet Dream!! I called my dad and he agreed to take care of the boys for me. The price...I have to vacuum the pool this weekend. DEAL!!

So we played another game immediately after the first and I caught again. Now I can honestly say, I'm quite pleased with my knee at this point. Its holding up reaaaaaaaal well with no pain, no stiffness and no swelling at all. My thighs arent screaming which is amazing considering I havent caught in 20 years. I just stopped catching once I left college because my knees just didnt like it anymore and in these leagues, there are no facemasks. It makes you a little gun shy after having all that equipement protecting you for years and years to all of a sudden not have it. And like I mentioned before, I like my teeth.

So since I cant make this long story short anymore, we played the third game and I catch a third game. We had an hour break in between the 2nd game and this one. Oooooooooooof. Ok. Now I'm starting to feel the burn when I go to warm up again. With every warm up throw my shoulder is like, WTF Girl?? My thighs burn as I squat the first couple of times. Yup, I knew I would pay the price dearly for this in a couple of days. But the game must go on, screaming thighs and all. I'm still hitting well and had a good pop up catch behind the plate. In fact is was one of my best pop up catch's ever.

The thing is with that catch, all the old habits came rushing back....from 22 years ago. Pitch comes in, I watch the swing and the ball is popped up and back, I see it going behind the plate, I'm up (not nearly as fast as when I was younger), flipping my hat off (woulda been the mask had I had one), Umpire is in my way, I get around him and find the ball in the air, its coming down near the opposite side of the backstop from where I'm at. I think I can get it and in a split second my brain says, "You got this if you dive". I dont think I thought about it even that long. I took two giant digging steps and I launch. I layed out people, full airborne, both arms out and prolly 3 feet above the ground. I see the ball as it falls into the glove and bam! I hit the ground so flippen hard, fully outstretched that it literally knocked ALL the air out of me. I mean ALL the air.

I layed there for a second and willed myself to take a breath. OMG, my boobs hurt. Are my ribs broke?? My knee! I move it, its ok. =)

Third out baby!

Within seconds the ump is asking if I'm allright and if he can have my autograph lol. He's telling me its the best play he's seen all day. I am ok, I slowly get up, get my hat and I'm immediately surrounded by the guys from my team, the guys from the OTHER team and they were all givin me kudos and slappin my back. Along with asking if I was allright. The fans on both sides were cheering. I heard a lot of "Holy Shits!" It felt good. It must have looked good. lol

Bet this is what I looked like...NOT. I was more horizontal to the ground lol.

It actually makes me sad that in all the years I played ball, I cant find one pic of me playing. I dont think any were taken. =( So I give you my protoge...Bet I look just like this at bat..


Coach Dave actually posted on my FaceBook wall twice about that catch the next day...
I had said something to a friend about "having one good pop up catch". His response:

David Anthony
One good catch, that is an understatement. It was a full airborne extension to make the catch. The fans were cheering the play. Both teams ran to her to give her props. Some said they have never seen a Catcher lay out like that to make a grab. Awesome Catch!!!!
Yesterday at 10:52am

And then he posted this on my wall for the world to see:

David Anthony
Thanks for coming out to play. Great catch with a full extension. Wow, that was the ESPN #1 play of the day!!!! Even the opposing team ran up to you to give you props : )
Yesterday at 10:46am

It did feel good. Made the pain today worth it.

I had my regular Co-ed team game tonight (Monday) and when I was walking to the concession stand I heard, "There goes the Carlton Fisk of slow pitch softball." It didnt sink in right away and then it hit me they were talking about me. lol I swung my head around and it was a couple of guys I played against in that game. They smiled and gave me the thumbs up. On my way back one of the guys got my number and asked if I could pick up some games for him if any of his girls couldnt make a game. I said sure, anytime.

I am a softball whore. I admit it. I still love to play.

(BTW - My thighs hurt so bad today that I groaned outloud every time I sat down AND got up. So worth it though.)

Oh I lost 6lbs last week for the Rock Your Body Contest at work. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Only 7 more weeks to go!

Biting off more than you can chew is insane

As you'll see further down I didnt know if I was going to post this or not. I decided to post it because its a step in the process of getting back on track. I cant sleep anyway so I just keep sitting here staring at it. Might as well releaase it to the world.

I'm insane. But you already new that. I keep doing the same things and expecting different results. I do believe that's the definition of insanity. I'm in a funk and I think thats obvious based on my post for the last couple of months. Pretty amazed you stuck around. I'm not so sure this is the breakthrough post taking me to the new me but I've got to start somewhere.

I need change and change starts for me by admitting that there is/are problem(s) instead of trudging along pretending I'm happy. Because I'm not happy people. Dont think I walk around pissy all day scowling and kicking small children. In fact its mostly quite the opposite. I laugh, joke and am very cordial. But in my head the shit is building. Building to the breaking point. Close friends are starting to see the cracks. And when I break, I fuck things up monumentally. It takes many months and sometimes a year to fix the shit I FUCKED UP. Because I create my own hell and I've been told I am my own worst enemy on many occasions.


I learned awhile ago (9 years to be exact) while in therapy (Yes, see I told you I was insane)to recognize when things are getting bad and the tools to help myself out of the muck.

One of those ways is to write. Well looky here. I've been writing. See, you all helped to save me. Give yourself a pat on the back. Another way, exercise. Hmmm, softball counts for that. I started playing on Monday nights 3 weeks ago. The knee is fabulous and works like a charm. I'm trying to get picked up by another team to play one more night during the week. And last but not least I just might need a little pharmiceutical help for a bit. Got an appt with the pill pusher in a week or so. And I'm NOT looking for anti-depressants.

Let me explain. I honestly think a lot of this started with my absolute boredom at work. And when I say boredom its also the inability to focus. ::Look a SQUIRREL!!:: I can do this job. I've proven I can do this job. I was 3rd highest biller last year on my team. I started out last January blowing away my personal best month in billings. And followed it up with my second best month. And then proceeded to fuck off and bill here and there but mainly live off the afformentioned laurels for many months and now my desk is a mess. (Please refer to the previous statement that I create my own hell) Anyway I'm off track here. I cant focus. I cant concentrate. I cant stay on task. I cant remember shit. All have the same meaning which is getting things done is a major chore. I'm a mess. I dont think I'm depressed. Am I heading towards it because of the other stuff building?? Probably. Maybe. More than likely.

So I think I want to try adderal or some form of ADD drug. I cant pay attention. I want something to make me pay attention. Please. I may be bored at my job, because quite honestly, I'm not going to like any job I have because I HAD the BEST job EVER. I loved being a paramedic. But, I cant be a paramedic anymore so GET OVER IT. Deal with the job that pays you the best and has decent people to work with and MOVE ON. The company I work for is a good company. I may bitch about the job but the company is one of the top 100 in Forbs. Its actually under 30 on the list.

I'm not so sure I will hit publish post on this one. I'm gonna sleep on it. I really dont want sympathy. Thats not it. I was anonymous on here for a long time and now, not so much. And thats ok too. I've made some really cool connections that I enjoy. But anonimity makes hitting publish post that much easier. Plus I'm a tad embarrased. This is a lot of shit to lay out there.

I needed to write it down, get it out. And I do feel better for it. A little. I origionally started this post to write about the big changes I'm making (not the reasons why). They just came out.

That being said this is what I'll be doing in the near future.

1) Starting tomorrow I WILL be a non-smoker. I am quitting. Even if quitting is for losers. I spend over $220.00 a month on ciggs. C'mon. Thats insane if anything is. I could take two months worth of that and go see my kid. I've been wanting to quit for awhile now. I am ready. Actually excited to start the process and get the worst of it overwith. I've done it before and lasted 8 months. I can do this.

2) In two weeks at work we will be starting something called Rock Your Body. Its a weight loss contest and just plain old getting in shape/eating better/living better program. Its 10 weeks long and my goal is to lose 40-50 lbs. I am waaaaaaaay too chubby and believe me I dont diet. I can count on two fingers in my life when I have. But I've slowly crept up the scale in the last 20 years and its just not acceptable to me anymore to be this weight. I will always be a "butter face" even with a good body and I've come to accept that and I cant change that part of me. I can change how my body looks and make it more acceptable and pleasing to the eye.

3) I've signed up for a 5k race on the Sunday before Rock Your Body ends. I think its May 26th. Even if I cant run the whole thing by then I will complete it. I'm not a runner, never have been so this is totally out of my realm. Training starts next Monday for this.

I'm thinking this may just qualify for Meleahs DTD. DTD is Doing Things Differently. She's got a post on her blog Momma Mia Mea Culpa HERE if you'd like to go check it out. Besides she's adorable, sweet, funny and a Jersey girl like me! I havent known her for too long yet but I bet I know her for a long time to come.

She really has been inspiring me to start something. Make changes to make me better. Thank you Meleah. Your just what I needed at this point in my life. That sounds so dramatic lol. But its true.

So thats it for the most part. What a long ass post. If you've made it this far you are a trooper! Thank you for sticking with me. I may become even bitchier in the next couple of weeks but I will write. I need to document the progress. As much for the release it gives me but also to help keep myself accountable. In the end I'll show you the results. I'll post a before and after picture. And I'll even give you numbers. The starting weight and my goal weight and my end weight so we can see if I made it.

Let the fun begin.