Tuesday, March 30, 2010

eM khuF

Some days my kid can skewer my heart, rip it out of my chest, throw it on the ground and stomp on it. And not even know she's doing it.

It doesnt happen often but when it does my head and heart just reel.

I'm pretty sure she knows I'm her biggest champion, loudest cheerleader and just plain best confidant she'll ever have. She just must forget sometimes. Either that or I have to get over myself and realize I'm not everything my mind has me cracked up to be. I dunno.

She's coming home this weekend and I was informed this afternoon she'll be spending most of her time with her significant other. This trip is for them and although she'll see us (family) we are not the priority so dont expect much.

I'm jealous if I must admit the ugly truth. And the truth hurts.

Whiny fucking baby post. yay me. But I needed to vent.

TwoFer Tuesday - Underground College Mix

Todays Twofer Tuesday is going to highlight two bands/singers introduced to me by my kid. I'd never had found them on my own as they arent mainstream and probably never will be. They were mostly played on MTV2 which STILL plays music and is for the underground/college stuff.

I like 90% of what she puts in front of me. And the other 10% I ususally end up singing along eventually because she'd play it so much I couldnt help but learn/like it.

This first song is one that grew on me. I can honestly say when I first heard it I couldnt get into it. Now, I look forward to its rotation on my iPods shuffle mode.

Wikipedia has this to say about this ever evolving Candadian Indie group, Broken Social Scene:
Broken Social Scene are a Juno Award-winning Canadian Indie rock band, a musical collective including as few as six and as many as nineteen members, formed in 1999 by Kevin Drew and Brendan Canning. All of its members currently play in various other groups and solo projects, mainly based around the city of Toronto. The band refuses the label "supergroup," based on size or the ubiquity of their members, claiming that in the indie scene everyone is involved in more than one project. The group's sound could be considered a combination of all of its members' respective musical projects, and is occasionally considered baroque pop. It is characterized by a very large number of sounds, grand orchestrations featuring guitars, horns, woodwinds, and violins, unusual song structures, and an experimental, and sometimes chaotic production style from David Newfeld, who produced the second and third albums.

Broken Social Scene - Lovers Spit

BTW Fiest is the guest singer on that song. You prolly know her from her MTV favorite video - 1234

And the second song off the beaten path is by Blu Cantrell. Also a different genre as she is Blues/R&B/Soul. She's never made it really big I dont think but the college kids love her. This chick has some pipes and can sing.

Blu Cantrell ft. Sean Paul - Breath

Happy Tuesday. ;)

Monday, March 29, 2010

Failures, Success & The Brain

So update time. I dont wanna but I gotta. Accountability.

I've failed miserably at quitting smoking. I have cut back but I just cant seem to quit. This in turn is having an affect (or is it effect?) on my running program.

I cant breath therefore I cant run. Plain and simple.

So I'm walking. I walk 4 miles a night. From my house to the beach and back. Per mapquest its 1.8 miles each way so yeah, almost 4 miles. I have to get this running thing down though. I've signed up for a 5K at the end of May and somethings got to give.

I started the Rock Your Body program at work two weeks ago on March 15 which is a "get healthy, lose weight" type of competition if you will. I'm on a team with 5 guys. As of my weigh in yesterday I'm down 11 lbs. =) I did measurements last week and I've lost a few inches already too. I've changed my eating habits and I'm drinking tons of water (yuk). I used to put down at least 400-500 carbs a day and now I'm maxing 75-80 a day. I miss bread. I aint gonna lie. I've cut calories as well to under 1,000 a day. Somedays its even less. I'm not that hungry anyway and there is a reason for that which I'll get to.

I finished the neurobehavioral testing last week with the neuropsychologist. All 10 hours of it. OMG. He tested me up, down and sideways. Every part of my brain was used and I left there after each 2 1/2 hours session mentally exhausted. I tried my hardest to do my best and obtain the best scores on everything. Some of the stuff we did was downright boring and others were easy. Some things I couldnt do and others I couldnt finish as they got harder and harder. I felt really stupid at times. Especially with the memory stuff. And although I havent gotten the report he did send me out the door reassuring me that I am pretty smart and I definately have some ADD issues which will benefit from a stimulant.

He also said I have some TBI (traumatic brain injury) issues. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it and dont feel like going back to look but I've had a skull fracture as well as multiple concussions in my life. He also did an IQ test along with tons of others. He gave me an estimate of what he thinks my IQ is and I'm not sure I believe him. Once he scores it and gives me the official I might let you all know.

So this brings me to the stimulant. I've been taking Adderall off and on for about 2 weeks now on work days. I didnt take it on the days I went for the testing because I didnt want it to skew the results. It does work for work. I focus and I am not nearly as bad with the "squirrel!!!" syndrome. The days I took it I felt and saw the difference in my production. So we'll see. The neuropsychs report goes to the neurologist and he decides if I go on meds. I hope so because this crap is expensive without a script.

So thats it. My life in a nutshell lately.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sunday Flowers

In response to Ann T's flower posts here and here and here I've finally taken some pics of the flowers in my back yard.

I am spoiled as these bloom mostly year round down here in So. Florida and although I see them everyday, I am remiss in the fact that I dont "see" them and appreciate them as much as I should. I love hibiscus the most and have quite a few different kinds growing and blooming in my backyard. Some of the others posted are not hibiscus and I'm not sure what they are. Feel free to name them if you know.

I took all these with my iPhone not more than 10 minutes ago, so they're fresh. ;)

Coral pretty

Yellow prettyness

OMG Beautiful. I want to capture these in a tattoo, but I dont think any artist could do them justice.

I think these may be hibiscus family...not sure though.

Hibiscus family?? Not sure either.
Red Prettyness

And I'm not sure what these are. I want to say snapdragons but I dunno.

If I find any different ones blooming I'll snap a pic. It seems coral is the overwhelming color in my backyard. I should see about getting some other different colored ones back there. We'll see.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Ultra Music Festival

Back in the day..oh say 15-20 years ago Ginger (my sister) and I were very serious about our partying, clubbing and the music we listened to. The only thing thats changed since then is we dont go out EVERY weekend. BUT we are still serious about our music. ;) Back then it was all about the Raves and clubs that played House, Techno and Trance music. I still LOVE it all and my iPod is splattered with old favorites.

I'm sure if you've read this blog for any length of time and seen any of my Twofer Tuesday post, you know my taste in music is extremely varied so maybe this isnt so shocking.

This weekend in Mi-jami is the Ultra Music Festival.

And per wikipedia:
Ultra Music Festival is an outdoor electronic music event held annually in Miami, Florida during the Winter Music Conference which occurs during the month of March. It is a 2-day event that takes place across 12 different stages featuring over 200 artists, DJs, producers and promoters.

Heres the official website: Ultra Music Festival

Please read this next line with a whiny voice...

But Gingers out of town, my buddy Mikey from work went every year but he moved to Salt Lake City and I really dont have the $300 for a ticket. pffffffffft.

So I'll spend my weekend reading updates about the artist, stalking YouTube for uploads from the shows and wishing I was there.

These are just a few of my favorite Artist from back in the day.
Paul Oakenfold is the GOD of all DJ's and he'll be there this weekend..
His early stuff was very trance(y). His new stuff not so much. But I love this song and in case you didnt know, Brittany Murphy was a singer as well. (RIP)

DJ Tiesto. OMG. He's hawt, and my goodness he can mix. I love him above all others. He's trancy with a little house thrown in. He actually remixes a lot of DJ Oakenfolds songs.
Traffic Live

Take a few minutes and watch this video. This song starts to take off right around 1:20 and if you've never been to a club and heard it or seen DJ Tiesto live I'm not sure how to explain it but the music MOVES your soul. You feel it in your body, your brain, your heart. You cant help but dance. I've been in a crowd like this, hearing this and its indescribable. WATCH the crowd....they are groooooooovin! And btw...this was at Disneyland Paris.

Our friends Passion Pit will be there. I posted about them awhile back here.

And Raves....they're held in different places; wharehouses, old clubs, on the beach. They dont start until 1am and go until noon the next day.

So I guess thats it. I'll have to wait until next year and try to get there then. Someday I'll make it. I may be 50 by the time I do but thats ok, I'll still groove.

I also had a thought...can you imagine what the music is gonna be like in nursing homes in 30, 40 years from now?? lol I hope they have an occasional Rave out on the bocce ball lawn once in awhile. ;)

HEY!! I just realized this was my 200th post! Yay me. :)

Friday, March 26, 2010

A Soldier Died Today

I saw this on a friends FB page. I cant find who wrote it so I cant give credit where credit is due. I think its worth posting in light of recent events.

A Poem Worth Reading

He was getting old and paunchy
And his hair was falling fast,
As he sat around the Legion,
Telling stories of the past.

Of a war that he once fought in
And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies;
They were heroes, every one.

And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they all knew where of he spoke.

But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For ol' Bob has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For a Soldier died today.

He won't be mourned by many,
Just his children and his wife.
For he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life..
He held a job and raised a family,
Going quietly on his way;
And the world won't note his passing,
'Tho a Soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth,
Their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing,
And proclaim that they were great.
Papers tell of their life stories
From the time that they were young
But the passing of a Soldier
Goes unnoticed, and unsung.

What is the greatest contribution
To the welfare of our land,
Some jerk who breaks his promise
And cons his fellow man?

Or the ordinary fellow
Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country
And offers up his life?

The politician's stipend
And style in which he lives,
Are often disproportionate,
To the service that he gives.

While the ordinary Soldier,
Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal
And perhaps a pension, small.
It's so easy to forget them,
For it is so many times
That our Bobs and Jims and Johnnys,
Went to battle, but we know,

It is not the politicians
With their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom
That our country now enjoys.
Should you find yourself in danger,
With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out,
With his ever waffling stand?

Or would you want a Soldier--
His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common Soldier,
Who would fight until the end.

He was just a common Soldier,
And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us
We may need his kind again.
For when countries are in conflict,
We find the Soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles
That the politicians start.

If we can not do him honor
While he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage
At the ending of his days.

Perhaps just a simple headline
In the paper that might say:

A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life,
wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States'
for an amount "up to and including my life."
That is Honor, and there are too many people
in this country who no longer understand it.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Just call me Carlton Fisk

I was invited to play a softball game this past Saturday by an old friend that I used to play co-ed with on weeknights. He didnt give me much info, just that the the game was at 3:30pm. Little did I know it would be so much more.

I get there and he knows I just (last august) had my ACL Replacement Surgery and he says, "I have you catching so you dont have to pivot and hurt your knee". WTF???????????? Really?? Squatting is good for my knee? NOT. And I love catching without a mask. NOT. I dont want my teeth anymore. Nope, that or my nose. FUHK. But I want to play, so I politely thank him and I catch.

Now I'd also like to state I'm a flippen grandmother compared to everyone on this team. Well, maybe not that old but I could have been a majority of the players mother. 3 of the girls went to FAU and were only a couple of years ahead of Lauren when she was there...doing the math this makes them ohhhh 23 or 24 years old. Two of the guys were 19!!! Jesus what did I get myself into?? But Coach Dave has faith in me. Plus he was probably desperate and he knows I will sell my soul to play ball.

The game goes well, I went 3 for 4 hitting and handled the bullets that were thrown my way when the play was at the plate. After all I WAS a catcher in my day and I'm not afraid. Note: Not afraid is KEY behind the plate. Even when a 250lb moose is barreling down on you, starts his slide 10 feet from the plate and will destroy your new ACL if he has his way. The throw was late and I lifted my homeplate blocking left leg with its new ACL out of his way just in time. phew.

So the game ends and I go to thank Coach Dave for inviting me to play and he's all, "Noooooo, no, no, where are you going??? We have a minimum 3 games. This is a tournament". Shit. I didnt plan on staying for 6 hours. He didnt say anything about tournament!! Its now 5:15 and the dogs have to be fed and go out. "Ok Coach, let me make a phone call and get the boys taken care of and you got me". Secretly inside I'm doing the fistpump. Yeah!!! 2 more games!! Wet Dream!! I called my dad and he agreed to take care of the boys for me. The price...I have to vacuum the pool this weekend. DEAL!!

So we played another game immediately after the first and I caught again. Now I can honestly say, I'm quite pleased with my knee at this point. Its holding up reaaaaaaaal well with no pain, no stiffness and no swelling at all. My thighs arent screaming which is amazing considering I havent caught in 20 years. I just stopped catching once I left college because my knees just didnt like it anymore and in these leagues, there are no facemasks. It makes you a little gun shy after having all that equipement protecting you for years and years to all of a sudden not have it. And like I mentioned before, I like my teeth.

So since I cant make this long story short anymore, we played the third game and I catch a third game. We had an hour break in between the 2nd game and this one. Oooooooooooof. Ok. Now I'm starting to feel the burn when I go to warm up again. With every warm up throw my shoulder is like, WTF Girl?? My thighs burn as I squat the first couple of times. Yup, I knew I would pay the price dearly for this in a couple of days. But the game must go on, screaming thighs and all. I'm still hitting well and had a good pop up catch behind the plate. In fact is was one of my best pop up catch's ever.

The thing is with that catch, all the old habits came rushing back....from 22 years ago. Pitch comes in, I watch the swing and the ball is popped up and back, I see it going behind the plate, I'm up (not nearly as fast as when I was younger), flipping my hat off (woulda been the mask had I had one), Umpire is in my way, I get around him and find the ball in the air, its coming down near the opposite side of the backstop from where I'm at. I think I can get it and in a split second my brain says, "You got this if you dive". I dont think I thought about it even that long. I took two giant digging steps and I launch. I layed out people, full airborne, both arms out and prolly 3 feet above the ground. I see the ball as it falls into the glove and bam! I hit the ground so flippen hard, fully outstretched that it literally knocked ALL the air out of me. I mean ALL the air.

I layed there for a second and willed myself to take a breath. OMG, my boobs hurt. Are my ribs broke?? My knee! I move it, its ok. =)

Third out baby!

Within seconds the ump is asking if I'm allright and if he can have my autograph lol. He's telling me its the best play he's seen all day. I am ok, I slowly get up, get my hat and I'm immediately surrounded by the guys from my team, the guys from the OTHER team and they were all givin me kudos and slappin my back. Along with asking if I was allright. The fans on both sides were cheering. I heard a lot of "Holy Shits!" It felt good. It must have looked good. lol

Bet this is what I looked like...NOT. I was more horizontal to the ground lol.

It actually makes me sad that in all the years I played ball, I cant find one pic of me playing. I dont think any were taken. =( So I give you my protoge...Bet I look just like this at bat..

Coach Dave actually posted on my FaceBook wall twice about that catch the next day...
I had said something to a friend about "having one good pop up catch". His response:

David Anthony
One good catch, that is an understatement. It was a full airborne extension to make the catch. The fans were cheering the play. Both teams ran to her to give her props. Some said they have never seen a Catcher lay out like that to make a grab. Awesome Catch!!!!
Yesterday at 10:52am

And then he posted this on my wall for the world to see:
David Anthony
Thanks for coming out to play. Great catch with a full extension. Wow, that was the ESPN #1 play of the day!!!! Even the opposing team ran up to you to give you props : )
Yesterday at 10:46am

It did feel good. Made the pain today worth it.

I had my regular Co-ed team game tonight (Monday) and when I was walking to the concession stand I heard, "There goes the Carlton Fisk of slow pitch softball." It didnt sink in right away and then it hit me they were talking about me. lol I swung my head around and it was a couple of guys I played against in that game. They smiled and gave me the thumbs up. On my way back one of the guys got my number and asked if I could pick up some games for him if any of his girls couldnt make a game. I said sure, anytime.

I am a softball whore. I admit it. I still love to play.

(BTW - My thighs hurt so bad today that I groaned outloud every time I sat down AND got up. So worth it though.)

Oh I lost 6lbs last week for the Rock Your Body Contest at work. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Only 7 more weeks to go!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Oh Yeah

Happy St. Patty's Day. I'm not Irish and since I hardly (yes hardly) drink anymore or at least dont drink to excess every weekend like I did as a kid I almost forgot all about it. Its really funny to me that this holiday to celebrate the Irish decendants of this country has turned into an all out drunkfest second only to New Years Eve. Another night the "drinking amateurs" fill the ERs themselves and take innocent bystanders with them.

I'll be home tonight watching the suckiest American Idol yet. Apparently the talent pool has dried up in America.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Instead of the regular Twofer Tuesday music videos lets do something different. Someone showed me these today so we're doing a special edition with political satire videos.

Ok, I lol'd for awhile and I'm sorry but they got Nancy Pants perfect with the "look everywhere" eyeballs. Holy poop. I'm still laughing.

Taken from the website: Politizoid

The endless banter, the self-absorbed complaining it sounds like Seinfeld, but with our liberal leaders, its just another day of the politics of meaninglessness.

President Obama shows the necessary resolve to keep Al Qaeda from interrupting his vacation.

The investigators up at Camp Happy survival school in Maine told my kid I was a "Hardcore Conservative". HAHA, if they only new...I'm not really but I guess this is Fuel for their fodder. I just think its some funny shit.

Although I must say if they keep trying to ram this healthcare reform bullshit down my throat I might go full on hardcore Rightwinger. Well, prolly not. But it pisses me off. I like to be kissed before I'm f*@$d.
I need a cigarette now. pffffft.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Spring Forward into Hell

You're riding a horse full speed...there's a giraffe beside you...and you're being chased by a lion...what do you do???

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

Quiet weekend. I absolutely abhor the time change in the spring. I'm not at my best in the morning anyway so losing that hour of sleep tends to kick my ass and make me a bitch (read: bitchier). This morning wasn't so bad but it will get worse as the week goes on. Then I'll play the game with myself all week of "its really 10:45 not 11:45". What this accomplishes, I have no idea.

I start Couch to 5K Tonight and a late (8:45pm) softball game afterwards.

No, I havent quit smoking but I've cut way down to 1/2 pack a day. Its a start.

Did I mention I hate the time change?

Maybe someday soon I'll write something of meaning on here again. As for now, I got nothing.

Friday, March 12, 2010


I like Lady GaGa ok. She's a little theatrical for my taste but I mostly ignore that. I love Beyonce. I think this is a weird duo and even weirder video.

It premiered last night much to the delight and joy of a lot of my friends.

Have a good weekend all.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Faster than the speed of sound

Two words: Adderall ROCKS!

I've gotten more work done in two days than the last 6 months combined. Self prescribing is wrong I know and expensive too(!)but I got a job to keep. Unreal medicine though that Adderall. It makes sleeping hard but thats what Ambiens for. What goes up, must come down.

I saw a Neurologist last week and he did an MRI and went over my history. MRI looked good. "ITS NOT A TUMOR." I've had two skull fractures in my past, numerous other injuries to the head as well. And I dabbled in my share of recreational illegal substances as a kid too. Nothing since I was around 20 y/o but it still counts he says. He's making me go to a Neuropsychologist to do this 6 hour neuropsychological testing. He says it will tell him if I have ADD or depression or dementia. If I have dementia which is really a nice way of saying early alzhiemers I'm gonna be pissed.

We'll see what comes of it. In the meantime the legalized speed is working.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A Conversation

When Lauren was at Pensacola training we had an IM (instant message) conversation one night about the Blue Angels. Her dream job was to crew for the Blue Angels. Since then she's realized that wont happen but it doesnt make this convo any less funny. Read on and see if you can figure out what had me spitting coke all over my laptop.

[9:14:35 PM] paula: blue angels is a three year tour.

[9:14:44 PM] Lauren: holy fuckk

[9:14:51 PM] paula: yup. holy fukkers

[9:15:07 PM] paula: and what happens is all ground crew rotate each week.

[9:15:15 PM] Lauren: what do u mean

[9:15:21 PM] paula: one week you go with the angels and the next week the other crew goes

[9:15:41 PM] Lauren: lol

[9:15:50 PM] paula: AND i get special seating at the shows. =)

[9:15:59 PM] Lauren: lol

[9:16:01 PM] paula: and i get to meet the pilots. =)

[9:16:05 PM] Lauren: lol

[9:16:10 PM] Lauren: i.e. future husbands

[9:16:16 PM] paula: oh to dream

[9:16:27 PM] Lauren: lol

[9:16:32 PM] Lauren: theres lots of menz here

[9:16:34 PM] Lauren: u would want

[9:16:41 PM] paula: Lauren says "Lt this is my mother....she wants to marry you.."

[9:16:54 PM] Lauren: yeah except even if u were banging them id still have to salute them

[9:16:58 PM] Lauren: fucked up huh?

[9:16:58 PM] Lauren: lol

[9:16:59 PM] paula: lmao

She cracks me up. I love that kid.

Twofer Tuesday

After talking about these guys on BZ's post early last week, I've been addicted to this cd all over again. My Chemical Romance - Welcome To The Black Parade. It might be a little too hard core for some of you. lol Afterall, it is what the kids are listening to today.

This was the song that origionally hooked me. Very cool video and I still love watching it.
MCR - Welcome to The Black Parade

And this is the song that I played over and over again. You know that one song on a cd that you just cant listen to enough?? This was it for me.

A drink for the horror that I'm in,
For the good guys, and the bad guys,
For the monsters that I've been.
Three cheers for tyranny,
Unapologetic apathy,
Cause there ain't no way that I'm coming back again.

MCR - Sleep

Monday, March 8, 2010

The Normal State of Things

Quitting is for losers. And I'm not a loser. Get it?? Attempt number 4 in a couple of days. This is getting old but I'm not giving up. I want to be a loser. A loser who doesnt smoke. I appreciate all the comments of support. They do keep me motivated. Thank you.

Now about the mood of the day. I got nothing for ya. I dont feel anything. I'm still distracted as shit but pluggin along. I was put on probation at work on Friday. This sums up how bad its been really. I havent been producing like they know I can so it was well deserved. I have a month to turn it around. And quite honestly they gave me stupid easy numbers to hit. They dont want to fire me but they get that I need a push. I've told them a couple of times I'm having trouble focusing. They heard me and responded the only way they could. Give me goals. Goals with a pink slip and white box with all my shit in it attached to it if I should fail. Bring it on.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Smoooooke meeeee

So far not so good.

I made it two days and then crashed and burned in a split second of weakness. I walked outside this morning with my cup of joe and my father was on my back porch watching the boys playing in the backyard. Just the site of him sitting there drinking his coffee and smoking a butt had me drooling worse than Jake when he watches me eat steak. I bummed one. It was so good you'd have thought I was shooting up heroin. How I could miss something so much that I've really come to hate is crazy. When I was done the guilt was palatable. Shit. Two days and BAM! Failure.

So I started anew from that moment on. I have the patch and havent used them. I really didnt want a crutch. I just wanted to quit cold turkey. So on advice from Edith of Mrs Bunkers Chainsaw Emporium I went down to the pharmacy and got some nicorette gum. So far so good on attempt number 2. The gum seems to be working as it takes the edge off the urge.

Its really weird how your mind works. When I'm craving a cigarette I try to make deals with myself. Oh just go get a pack and we'll start when all the other bullshit is over. or Just wait and quit next week. or Bum one from dad and it'll be ok, its only one. My mind is definatley messing with me. I dont want to smoke anymore but I WANT a cigarette. Gah!! I wish I could be put in a coma for two weeks.

After falling off the wagon then climbing back on incident, I just hung by the pool until early afternoon. What a beautiful day. Low 70's and pure blue skies. After the pool I showered and went with my nabor to the Las Olas Art Fair. Saw a bunch of nice stuff that I cant afford and stuff that I wouldnt buy if I could afford it. To each his own I guess.

Anytime I go down to Las Olas there is a store I love that has a ton of fun stuff in it. I think its called Things Remembered. I brought a cool bracelet that will mark the day I quit smoking.

While walking around in there a song came on that brought me waaaaaaaay back to my childhood. I was only five when this came out but I can actually remember hearing it while riding in the old brown station wagon on that fabulous non-stereo AM radio with big old nobs and pushbutton station finders. And I loved the song.
Bobby Sherman was a cutie. Nice dimple in that chin dude!!

Its only 9:30pm but I'm whooped. Off to bed I go. That'll be 12 more hours smoke free. yay me.

Friday, March 5, 2010

I hate your big dumb combat boots

I watched this tonight for the 227th time.

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
Even worse when you make me cry
I hate it when you're not around,
And the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
Not even close…
Not even a little bit…
Not even at all.

EDIT** I had to change the video out because the other was removed.

If you've never seen it, do. RIP Heath.


I cant keep seeing the previous post when I log in. Its annoying me now. Everything is annoying me now.

I might kill my cubemate if he doesnt stop humming. And no cubemate, you really cant do anything for me at this time to make it better. Just stop existing and breathing my air. Just sit in your chair facing your computer and please shut the fuck up. Stop asking me questions. He thinks its funny. Fuhktard.

If you dont hear from me for awhile its because I'm in jail for manslaughter. 1.5 days without nicotine. I wanted to do this cold turkey. I have the patch at home and I might have to slap one of those bad boys on. This weekend is gonna be fun.

Cake is the answer. The rythem and melody are soothing on my frattered nerves.

Have a good weekend all.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Biting off more than you can chew is insane

As you'll see further down I didnt know if I was going to post this or not. I decided to post it because its a step in the process of getting back on track. I cant sleep anyway so I just keep sitting here staring at it. Might as well releaase it to the world.

I'm insane. But you already new that. I keep doing the same things and expecting different results. I do believe that's the definition of insanity. I'm in a funk and I think thats obvious based on my post for the last couple of months. Pretty amazed you stuck around. I'm not so sure this is the breakthrough post taking me to the new me but I've got to start somewhere.

I need change and change starts for me by admitting that there is/are problem(s) instead of trudging along pretending I'm happy. Because I'm not happy people. Dont think I walk around pissy all day scowling and kicking small children. In fact its mostly quite the opposite. I laugh, joke and am very cordial. But in my head the shit is building. Building to the breaking point. Close friends are starting to see the cracks. And when I break, I fuck things up monumentally. It takes many months and sometimes a year to fix the shit I FUCKED UP. Because I create my own hell and I've been told I am my own worst enemy on many occasions.

I learned awhile ago (9 years to be exact) while in therapy (Yes, see I told you I was insane)to recognize when things are getting bad and the tools to help myself out of the muck.

One of those ways is to write. Well looky here. I've been writing. See, you all helped to save me. Give yourself a pat on the back. Another way, exercise. Hmmm, softball counts for that. I started playing on Monday nights 3 weeks ago. The knee is fabulous and works like a charm. I'm trying to get picked up by another team to play one more night during the week. And last but not least I just might need a little pharmiceutical help for a bit. Got an appt with the pill pusher in a week or so. And I'm NOT looking for anti-depressants.

Let me explain. I honestly think a lot of this started with my absolute boredom at work. And when I say boredom its also the inability to focus. ::Look a SQUIRREL!!:: I can do this job. I've proven I can do this job. I was 3rd highest biller last year on my team. I started out last January blowing away my personal best month in billings. And followed it up with my second best month. And then proceeded to fuck off and bill here and there but mainly live off the afformentioned laurels for many months and now my desk is a mess. (Please refer to the previous statement that I create my own hell) Anyway I'm off track here. I cant focus. I cant concentrate. I cant stay on task. I cant remember shit. All have the same meaning which is getting things done is a major chore. I'm a mess. I dont think I'm depressed. Am I heading towards it because of the other stuff building?? Probably. Maybe. More than likely.

So I think I want to try adderal or some form of ADD drug. I cant pay attention. I want something to make me pay attention. Please. I may be bored at my job, because quite honestly, I'm not going to like any job I have because I HAD the BEST job EVER. I loved being a paramedic. But, I cant be a paramedic anymore so GET OVER IT. Deal with the job that pays you the best and has decent people to work with and MOVE ON. The company I work for is a good company. I may bitch about the job but the company is one of the top 100 in Forbs. Its actually under 30 on the list.

I'm not so sure I will hit publish post on this one. I'm gonna sleep on it. I really dont want sympathy. Thats not it. I was anonymous on here for a long time and now, not so much. And thats ok too. I've made some really cool connections that I enjoy. But anonimity makes hitting publish post that much easier. Plus I'm a tad embarrased. This is a lot of shit to lay out there.

I needed to write it down, get it out. And I do feel better for it. A little. I origionally started this post to write about the big changes I'm making (not the reasons why). They just came out.

That being said this is what I'll be doing in the near future.

1) Starting tomorrow I WILL be a non-smoker. I am quitting. Even if quitting is for losers. I spend over $220.00 a month on ciggs. C'mon. Thats insane if anything is. I could take two months worth of that and go see my kid. I've been wanting to quit for awhile now. I am ready. Actually excited to start the process and get the worst of it overwith. I've done it before and lasted 8 months. I can do this.

2) In two weeks at work we will be starting something called Rock Your Body. Its a weight loss contest and just plain old getting in shape/eating better/living better program. Its 10 weeks long and my goal is to lose 40-50 lbs. I am waaaaaaaay too chubby and believe me I dont diet. I can count on two fingers in my life when I have. But I've slowly crept up the scale in the last 20 years and its just not acceptable to me anymore to be this weight. I will always be a "butter face" even with a good body and I've come to accept that and I cant change that part of me. I can change how my body looks and make it more acceptable and pleasing to the eye.

3) I've signed up for a 5k race on the Sunday before Rock Your Body ends. I think its May 26th. Even if I cant run the whole thing by then I will complete it. I'm not a runner, never have been so this is totally out of my realm. Training starts next Monday for this.

I'm thinking this may just qualify for Meleahs DTD. DTD is Doing Things Differently. She's got a post on her blog Momma Mia Mea Culpa HERE if you'd like to go check it out. Besides she's adorable, sweet, funny and a Jersey girl like me! I havent known her for too long yet but I bet I know her for a long time to come.

She really has been inspiring me to start something. Make changes to make me better. Thank you Meleah. Your just what I needed at this point in my life. That sounds so dramatic lol. But its true.

So thats it for the most part. What a long ass post. If you've made it this far you are a trooper! Thank you for sticking with me. I may become even bitchier in the next couple of weeks but I will write. I need to document the progress. As much for the release it gives me but also to help keep myself accountable. In the end I'll show you the results. I'll post a before and after picture. And I'll even give you numbers. The starting weight and my goal weight and my end weight so we can see if I made it.

Let the fun begin.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Rockford Files

Now back in the day I loved me some Rockford Files. I remember watching when I got home from school I think. Or maybe it was right after dinner. hmmmmmmm. That means it was a LONGGGGG time ago and the brain cells holding that information have shriveled up and died. Poor brain cells. Thanks for the memories. NOT.

I thought Jim Rockford was cute. I wont say sexy, because I was fairly young and dont think I understood what sexy was back then. I also was in love with Robert Wagner, but thats another story for another day.

Anyway, back to the reason I'm writing about a show from the 70's. They've cast a new actor to play Jim Rockford.

Dermot Mulroney to star in "Rockford" update
By Nellie Andreeva Sun Feb 28, 10:10 PM PST

Dermot Mulroney is NBC's new Jim Rockford.

In his first regular TV role, Mulroney is set to play the iconic private eye in the network's updated take on the hit 1970s drama that starred James Garner in the title role.

The new Jim Rockford is described as "slightly crumpled, wry humored, cynical, world weary, compassionate when it's called for and easily irritated by morons."

His troubled past includes doing some time as a convict and as a cop.

Aside from an arc on NBC's "Friends" in 2003, "My Best Friend's Wedding" co-star Mulroney has been focused on features, most recently appearing in "Burn After Reading."

NBC's "Rockford Files" was written by "House" creator David Shore, who is executive producing with Steve Carell.

I heart me some Dermot Mulrony. He's a cutie.

I cry with Julia in that scene. 'Cause I'm mooshy like that.

And because now I have to hear the song...(and ignore the bozo in the video. Its the only version I could find by Frankie Sinatra singing the song believe it or not.)

And is it Friday yet?? Because I'm wondering if this week can get anymore shitastic. It needs to be over.