Fatty McFatty No More

Awhile back, like 10 weeks ago I wrote a post - you can read it here, about being fed up and frustrated with my life. I made some goals and the time is about right to let you know how they've come along.

Here is an excerp from that post.....

That being said this is what I'll be doing in the near future.

1) Starting tomorrow I WILL be a non-smoker. I am quitting. Even if quitting is for losers. I spend over $220.00 a month on ciggs. C'mon. Thats insane if anything is. I could take two months worth of that and go see my kid. I've been wanting to quit for awhile now. I am ready. Actually excited to start the process and get the worst of it overwith. I've done it before and lasted 8 months. I can do this.

2) In two weeks at work we will be starting something called Rock Your Body. Its a weight loss contest and just plain old getting in shape/eating better/living better program. Its 10 weeks long and my goal is to lose 40-50 lbs. I am waaaaaaaay too chubby and believe me I dont diet. I can count on two fingers in my life when I have. But I've slowly crept up the scale in the last 20 years and its just not acceptable to me anymore to be this weight. I will always be a "butter face" even with a good body and I've come to accept that and I cant change that part of me. I can change how my body looks and make it more acceptable and pleasing to the eye.

3) I've signed up for a 5k race on the Sunday before Rock Your Body ends. I think its May 26th. Even if I cant run the whole thing by then I will complete it. I'm not a runner, never have been so this is totally out of my realm. Training starts next Monday for this.

Ok, so number one....FAIL. Smoking is a disgusting, nasty, dabillitating habit. Its like fucking crack rock. I might as well be a crackhead because I was as successfull as one of them trying to quit. I tried really hard at least 5-7 times to quit when I started this whole change process and its not happening. The failure was starting to affect my success in the other catagories and my ability to NOT murder someone and go to jail so I quit quitting and focused on the other stuff. pfffffft.

Number two....SUCCESS. I started the Rock Your Body wieght loss contest at work and have lost 30lbs so far. My goal of 40-50lbs was probably a little ambitious for 10 weeks so I still consider it a success. I am continueing the effort until I reach my goal of 50lbs total lost. So 20 more lbs to go. Tomorrow is the official weigh in for the end of the contest.

I did it by cutting carbs. Not completely like the Atkins diet but kept the number low. In the beginning I was only eating 50-75 carbs a day. OMG hard to do!! I didnt worry about counting calories because by keeping the carbs so low my caloric intake per day had to be insanely low. I'm now eating 100 - 125 carbs a day and its still working. I'm losing 1-3 lbs per week depending on excercise.

My eating habits have changed 10 fold because of this diet. I no longer eat "anything" my heart desires. I pick and choose how I want to spend my "carbs" per day. Its made for much healthier eating habits and a few treats thrown in for good measure. I am down 4 pants sizes, three shirt sizes and overall feel much healthier. The only bad thing to come from this diet is that along with losing my ginormous ass and gut I'm losing my boobs. GAH!! I really didnt have a lot to start with. So I'm sad about that but I suppose if I really want to I can get some fake ones.

Now for number three. I consider this a partial FAIL somedays and partial SUCCESS others. The 5K race that I'd signed up for at the beginning of this quest was yesterday and I "Wogged" it. That word is compliments of Gia and means I walked/jogged the 5k.

I started walking 10 weeks ago and when I started I was doing 3 miles about 3 nights a week. I'm now up to 5 miles, 5 nights a week. I was supposed to start running and get make myself into a runner. Thats not happening people. I'm just not a runner. I mean I ran some of the race yesterday but not nearly enough of it. I tried to make myself a runner. I see all these people jogging past me on my walks and I envy them sooo much. When I try it ends up badly. My knees dont like running. My lungs dont like running. My brain cant wrap itself around running.

Now the good thing about all the walking I've been doing is it seems to be working on my fat ass anyway. =) When I did run yesterday I felt (or didnt feel) something amazing. When I first started trying to run 10 weeks ago it was so uncomfortable. It felt like shit was bouncing around everywhere on my body. Boobs, hips, ass and thighs all bouncing with no restraint. Uncomfortable. When I ran yesterday.....it was so nice not to feel my ASS HITTING MY BACK!!! Hell yeah!! So I guess there is some success to this part of the story. Oh and I did finish the race. I ran across that finish line and I wasnt LAST. There were a ton of people behind me!!!

So thats my story. And I promised you all before and after pics along with the numbers on the scale. This part is whats going to make hitting "publish post" hard. I'm not a big fan of my face. Especially in pictures.

I started this quest at 208lbs. Yeah, lardass, fatty mcfatty, bubble butt, fatso all were acceptable terms. Its that number and seeing pictures of myself that finally made me realize something had to be done. I'd always been 150 - 160 lbs from the time I was in high school until about 15 years ago. I was never gonna be a swimsuit model or anorexic. Its just how the women in my family are built. We are athletes and have atheletic bodies. Today I weigh 178 so really only 18 more to go!

Lauren (my kid) and Ginger (my sister) are both 160lbs. And they look good!
See!! Its in my genes, just gotta get back there!
Lauren and Ging


So that being said, here is the before....

Taken fall last year...I probably put on another 5lbs or so after this before I started dieting in March. Thats my fatass on the left. UGH. =/


Yesterday at the completion of the 5K...(Thats my friend and boss Valerie. She has the patience of a saint to deal with me on a daily basis. And then to hang with me on the weekends too!)

Been there got the shirt.....


My arms are much skinnier now....


And I have a neck now. No more 3 chins...


And this is yesterday afternoon sometime or other. We had peeps over at the pool and someone who shall remain nameless, ahem, ::cough:: cough:: Cory was playing with my camera. If you only new the pics he took. ;)


So thats it! You got the whole story or at least the story up to this point. lol When I lose the other 20lbs we'll see how that looks in pics.

Thank you all for the support throught these last 10 weeks. It helps immensly. Between here and Facebook I've got a lot of friends who care and that really does feel good!
Muahs!!

Smoooooke meeeee

So far not so good.

I made it two days and then crashed and burned in a split second of weakness. I walked outside this morning with my cup of joe and my father was on my back porch watching the boys playing in the backyard. Just the site of him sitting there drinking his coffee and smoking a butt had me drooling worse than Jake when he watches me eat steak. I bummed one. It was so good you'd have thought I was shooting up heroin. How I could miss something so much that I've really come to hate is crazy. When I was done the guilt was palatable. Shit. Two days and BAM! Failure.

So I started anew from that moment on. I have the patch and havent used them. I really didnt want a crutch. I just wanted to quit cold turkey. So on advice from Edith of Mrs Bunkers Chainsaw Emporium I went down to the pharmacy and got some nicorette gum. So far so good on attempt number 2. The gum seems to be working as it takes the edge off the urge.

Its really weird how your mind works. When I'm craving a cigarette I try to make deals with myself. Oh just go get a pack and we'll start when all the other bullshit is over. or Just wait and quit next week. or Bum one from dad and it'll be ok, its only one. My mind is definatley messing with me. I dont want to smoke anymore but I WANT a cigarette. Gah!! I wish I could be put in a coma for two weeks.

After falling off the wagon then climbing back on incident, I just hung by the pool until early afternoon. What a beautiful day. Low 70's and pure blue skies. After the pool I showered and went with my nabor to the Las Olas Art Fair. Saw a bunch of nice stuff that I cant afford and stuff that I wouldnt buy if I could afford it. To each his own I guess.

Anytime I go down to Las Olas there is a store I love that has a ton of fun stuff in it. I think its called Things Remembered. I brought a cool bracelet that will mark the day I quit smoking.

While walking around in there a song came on that brought me waaaaaaaay back to my childhood. I was only five when this came out but I can actually remember hearing it while riding in the old brown station wagon on that fabulous non-stereo AM radio with big old nobs and pushbutton station finders. And I loved the song.
Bobby Sherman was a cutie. Nice dimple in that chin dude!!


Its only 9:30pm but I'm whooped. Off to bed I go. That'll be 12 more hours smoke free. yay me.

Biting off more than you can chew is insane

As you'll see further down I didnt know if I was going to post this or not. I decided to post it because its a step in the process of getting back on track. I cant sleep anyway so I just keep sitting here staring at it. Might as well releaase it to the world.

I'm insane. But you already new that. I keep doing the same things and expecting different results. I do believe that's the definition of insanity. I'm in a funk and I think thats obvious based on my post for the last couple of months. Pretty amazed you stuck around. I'm not so sure this is the breakthrough post taking me to the new me but I've got to start somewhere.

I need change and change starts for me by admitting that there is/are problem(s) instead of trudging along pretending I'm happy. Because I'm not happy people. Dont think I walk around pissy all day scowling and kicking small children. In fact its mostly quite the opposite. I laugh, joke and am very cordial. But in my head the shit is building. Building to the breaking point. Close friends are starting to see the cracks. And when I break, I fuck things up monumentally. It takes many months and sometimes a year to fix the shit I FUCKED UP. Because I create my own hell and I've been told I am my own worst enemy on many occasions.


I learned awhile ago (9 years to be exact) while in therapy (Yes, see I told you I was insane)to recognize when things are getting bad and the tools to help myself out of the muck.

One of those ways is to write. Well looky here. I've been writing. See, you all helped to save me. Give yourself a pat on the back. Another way, exercise. Hmmm, softball counts for that. I started playing on Monday nights 3 weeks ago. The knee is fabulous and works like a charm. I'm trying to get picked up by another team to play one more night during the week. And last but not least I just might need a little pharmiceutical help for a bit. Got an appt with the pill pusher in a week or so. And I'm NOT looking for anti-depressants.

Let me explain. I honestly think a lot of this started with my absolute boredom at work. And when I say boredom its also the inability to focus. ::Look a SQUIRREL!!:: I can do this job. I've proven I can do this job. I was 3rd highest biller last year on my team. I started out last January blowing away my personal best month in billings. And followed it up with my second best month. And then proceeded to fuck off and bill here and there but mainly live off the afformentioned laurels for many months and now my desk is a mess. (Please refer to the previous statement that I create my own hell) Anyway I'm off track here. I cant focus. I cant concentrate. I cant stay on task. I cant remember shit. All have the same meaning which is getting things done is a major chore. I'm a mess. I dont think I'm depressed. Am I heading towards it because of the other stuff building?? Probably. Maybe. More than likely.

So I think I want to try adderal or some form of ADD drug. I cant pay attention. I want something to make me pay attention. Please. I may be bored at my job, because quite honestly, I'm not going to like any job I have because I HAD the BEST job EVER. I loved being a paramedic. But, I cant be a paramedic anymore so GET OVER IT. Deal with the job that pays you the best and has decent people to work with and MOVE ON. The company I work for is a good company. I may bitch about the job but the company is one of the top 100 in Forbs. Its actually under 30 on the list.

I'm not so sure I will hit publish post on this one. I'm gonna sleep on it. I really dont want sympathy. Thats not it. I was anonymous on here for a long time and now, not so much. And thats ok too. I've made some really cool connections that I enjoy. But anonimity makes hitting publish post that much easier. Plus I'm a tad embarrased. This is a lot of shit to lay out there.

I needed to write it down, get it out. And I do feel better for it. A little. I origionally started this post to write about the big changes I'm making (not the reasons why). They just came out.

That being said this is what I'll be doing in the near future.

1) Starting tomorrow I WILL be a non-smoker. I am quitting. Even if quitting is for losers. I spend over $220.00 a month on ciggs. C'mon. Thats insane if anything is. I could take two months worth of that and go see my kid. I've been wanting to quit for awhile now. I am ready. Actually excited to start the process and get the worst of it overwith. I've done it before and lasted 8 months. I can do this.

2) In two weeks at work we will be starting something called Rock Your Body. Its a weight loss contest and just plain old getting in shape/eating better/living better program. Its 10 weeks long and my goal is to lose 40-50 lbs. I am waaaaaaaay too chubby and believe me I dont diet. I can count on two fingers in my life when I have. But I've slowly crept up the scale in the last 20 years and its just not acceptable to me anymore to be this weight. I will always be a "butter face" even with a good body and I've come to accept that and I cant change that part of me. I can change how my body looks and make it more acceptable and pleasing to the eye.

3) I've signed up for a 5k race on the Sunday before Rock Your Body ends. I think its May 26th. Even if I cant run the whole thing by then I will complete it. I'm not a runner, never have been so this is totally out of my realm. Training starts next Monday for this.

I'm thinking this may just qualify for Meleahs DTD. DTD is Doing Things Differently. She's got a post on her blog Momma Mia Mea Culpa HERE if you'd like to go check it out. Besides she's adorable, sweet, funny and a Jersey girl like me! I havent known her for too long yet but I bet I know her for a long time to come.

She really has been inspiring me to start something. Make changes to make me better. Thank you Meleah. Your just what I needed at this point in my life. That sounds so dramatic lol. But its true.

So thats it for the most part. What a long ass post. If you've made it this far you are a trooper! Thank you for sticking with me. I may become even bitchier in the next couple of weeks but I will write. I need to document the progress. As much for the release it gives me but also to help keep myself accountable. In the end I'll show you the results. I'll post a before and after picture. And I'll even give you numbers. The starting weight and my goal weight and my end weight so we can see if I made it.

Let the fun begin.