Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Old people are funny. NOT

Let me just start by saying I love my parents to death. I'd do anything for them and do so on a regular basis. I sit there while they bicker and pick at each other. I listen to my mother bitch about him and his "nasty" habits (the man apparently STILL leaves his dirty underwear on the bathroom floor every morning. EGADS!). And I listen to him bitch about her bitchin at him all the time. In essance they are co-dependant and I really dont know how one is going to live without the other when the day comes.

They've been married for 49 years this past July 1st. He was a lunatic and married her with 4 kids...under the age of 7!!! He really was nuckin futs. My younger sister and I filled in the holes of their obviously incomplete life over the next 10 years.

So every couple of weeks I get the phone call about how they havent seen me in forever and want to spend some time with me. Hello?!?! I'm over their house every Sunday with the boys (dogs) swimming and eating their melba toast and drinking their ginger ale. I guess thats not good enough.

I get "the call" yesterday afternoon about my usual above shortcomings and get suckered into going to bingo with them. O.M.G. I can think of 27 bazillion other things I'd rather do. ummm, Like be eaten by ravenous monkeys at the zoo for instance or giving myself a gravel enema. shit.

Its starts in the car. My father just had catarac surgery two weeks ago and the man STILL can NOT see. He admits to having double vision. Its ok tho...he can see cars stopping ahead of him...hell, he sees TWO sets of brake lights instead of one!! Brilliant.

He's driving 50mph in a 65mph zone on the highway where everyone is doing 75mph. I put my seatbelt on, even though I was in the back seat and just played with my IPhone. I didnt want to see my impending death. Its better that way. Then my mother starts screaming while he's trying to merge onto the off ramp at an even slower speed than a turtle walking backwards. He's halfway onto the exit ramp doing fine and she's screaming, "NO NO THERES A CAR COMING!!!" Which causes him to swerve back into traffic now doing 24mph. There was no other car, he was doing just fine. I keep my mouth shut and head down. It really, really is better that way.

We go to Indian bingo and there are a shitload of people over the age of 75 that go to this place. In fact, half of south Floridas elderly population meets every night here to kabits and bitch about the state of their bowels. I park my happy ass in a seat and wait for it to begin. Mabel sits next to me. She's got six overnight bags full of I dont know what and two seat cushions with her that she takes up half my space with. Her walker hit my recently broken/still sore ankle. I went to give her a dirty look and she froze my ass with her evil furry eyebrow stare of death. And the hair in the mole on her chin looked like it could strangle me as well. It was like she was begging me to say something so she could beat me to death with her cane. Why the fuck does she need a walker AND a cane???? I do not ask and just keep to myself (cause I know whats good for me).

The games begin and I'm playin my game, making small chat with those around me and from next to me I hear Mabel say under her breath but just loud enough to be heard , "Do you come here to chit chat or play bingo, pipe down already!" I dont think she likes me, my lip ring or the big ole tiki with a peepee tattoo on my ankle. In fact I'm convinced.

Remember the catarac surgery my dad had?? Well he cant see the numbers on the board and he's half deaf so guess what??? Every flippen number that comes out my mother has to repeat at least two times to him.

Mom: G58 Paul.
Dad: What?
Mom: It was G58
Dad: B 58???
Me: 0_o
Mom: GEE. FIVE. EIGHT. You Know There Is No B58, Think About It You Numbskull!!
Dad: Why didnt you just say that in the beginning??
Mom: O65 is next Paul.
Dad: What??
Me: omfg.

I'll treasure these memories when they are gone. Of this I'm sure.


Sisu said...

I think I just peed a little and my co-workers think I'm having a psychotic break1 That's what happens when I read this blog instead of charting. Good one!

Mrs. Bunker said...

sweet. I can't wait til that's me & Archie. Gravel enema?!? gotta have me one.

peedee said...

I recommend the ride in the car with my parents. Prolly a tad less painful than the enema and will only extract blood if a wreck ensues.