Monday, August 10, 2009

Flo-rida. Its not just a place where old people go to die.

Anybody who's lived in Florida for more than 15 years knows these things...

Your Socks are only for bowling.

You never use an umbrella because you know the rain
will be over in five minutes. (I dont own an umbrella)

A 'good parking place' has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade. (no shade = 450 degrees when you get back to your car, even if you where only gone for 2 minutes. No, really I kid you not. And the fuckin idiots down here are stupid enough to leave their kids and dogs in a closed up car "just for 10 minutes". Fucktards should be roasted themselves.)

Your winter coat is made of denim. (once again, I dont own a winter coat.)

You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

You're younger than -50- but some of your friends are over -65- and you play bingo with them =).

Anything under 70 degrees is chilly. (Umm, I'm going with under 75 here.)

You've driven through Yee Haw Junction.

You know that no other grocery store can really compare to Publix. (True Dat!)

Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.

You know that any hurricane under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.

You dread "love bug" season (and you know what "love bugs" are!) (go ahead, leave them on the front of your car for more than 3 days....then tell me what your paint job looks like)

You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as just Andrew, Charley , Frances , Ivan, Jeanne & Wilma.
(Fuckin Fay. 10 days in Disney last summer, 9 of them with this bitch.)

You know what a "snowbird" is and, more importantly when they'll leave.

You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty 'average'.

'Down South' really means Key West.

Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for business meetings
and church, but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before! (I wear flip flops to work everyday suckas!!) I Give You PROOF!!

Ties... We don't need no stinkin' ties!

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and just one sweatshirt
(and it is on the hanger in the closet).

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls. (assclowns)

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level. (even at Disney World)

You know the four -4- seasons really are: hurricane season,
love bug season, tourist season & Summer.

You've actually hosted a hurricane party.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Withlacoochee
and Micanopy. (Go ahead, google them. They're real.)

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat,
than have a boat yourself. Amen!

You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.
(oh yeah!)

You recognize Miami-Dade as "Northern Cuba". (you mean it really isnt??)

Can you tell I'm batshit bored at work today??? fuhk!! I need a real job. Softball tonight! Yay, something to look forward to.


SuperBadJack said...

Miami is actually the 3rd largest city *in* Cuba. (Or as JFK used to call it, Cuber)


And the list is slightly different for people born and raaaaised in Florida *coughcough*

There is a whole part missing about the wonderful Florida school system and how it's, well, insane.

Oh! And the Florida driving test, it's so easy that I passed it on the first time....and, it was also the first time I was ever really driving a truck/car.

True story.

peedee said...

As you know, my kid went thru the school system here. I'm intimately aware of its shortcomings.

But then again it produced stellar young adults like you both so it cant be that bad...

Deontologist said...

This list made my day! My dad used to live in Florida and I'd visit him every summer, so this post really takes me back. I remember one day when my stepmother made me wear a jacket because it was "cold out." I walked outside and it was 80 fucking degrees and sunny with a slight breeze. I was sweaty and miserable the whole day. Bitch. I hope she dies.

Anyway, great list!

peedee said...

Glad you enjoyed Deontologist. Sorry your stepmonster was a bitch. =/

Deontologist = do gooder. I like that. I checked out your site, good stuff. Someones gotta keep 'em honest. Keep up the good fight.