Optimism. I need it. I found it.

The Urban Dictionary's Definition of:

1. pity party

A way of experiencing grief, in which you spend your time feeling sorry for yourself and whining endlessly about how crappy your life is.
Pity parties can be just for one or for many people, such as maybe your friends and close people, who will try to comfort you or just be there for you while you keep asking yourself what did you do to deserve whatever it is that made you so sad in the first place.
Pity Parties require the proper outfit, which is usually pajamas cause you dont get all dressed up during those feeling-sorry-for-myself moments. Also you should have no make up on or just the one from the night before; hair undone as well.
It also involves tissues, comfort food such as ice cream; chocolate; potato chips; cookies; cake; and candy. Low fat food is banned.
Alcohol might or might not be allowed (if alcohol makes you go wild, no alcohol should be brought to the pity party in that case since the point is not exactly to have fun). The purpose of a Pity Party is to dump the pity.
Music is also very important at pity parties, including songs like "One is the Loneliest Number", "All by Myself" and any other song that makes you feel like throwing yourself from the nearest cliff.
Pity parties usually end after you are done whining or if someone breaks it up. This will usually be a cynical loved one who will not let you drown in self pity and will take you either to have the best time ever, drinking and partying or will just make you crawl out of bed by making you see how pathetic you look and how you should cut the whining and just do something to make things better.

Was I due?? Maybe. I haven't had one in quite some time now. Ever since March or shortly thereafter when I started my personal crusade to fix my life/self/attitude.

For about 4 hours today I was pissed. Pissed I couldn't pay my bills on time. Pissed I can't rollerblade anymore for a long time. Pissed I fucking fell and messed up my shoulder. Pissed I am going to miss work because of the surgery, when I'm finally back in the game and kicking ass. There's more but I don't feel like going into it. When I throw a pity party, I do it right. lol

I'm not quite sure why this happened today. I have been doing sooooooo flipping well! I'm happier than I've been in years. I'm doing all the right things. Analyzing this is something I need to do. I need to figure out how to NOT have pity parties. Such a waste of time and energy.

I did something different this time after I got sick of feeling sick to my stomach over things I cant control and things I can control. I made a list of the shit that was rolling around in my head. The shit that was bothering me and bringing me down.

It worked! Once written down I posed possible solutions to all of them and a timeframe on fixing them. My goodness IT WORKED! Alltogether swirling in my head it seemed so daunting. I couldn't concentrate on one of them and find a solution. But writing them down made me sit back and think about it and work on a solution.

I guess this is something I should have learned to do long ago. And its funny, I'll give this same advice to someone that comes to me for help but I didn't do it for myself for so long.

I found a website today that I adore. I like to think of myself as an optimist, but my kid tells me otherwise. =/ This is a website full of good stuff. Short blurbs about good things that have happened.

Its called Gives Me Hope. Click on it and check it out.

Just an example of what you'll find here:

A little girl was dying of cancer and her younger brother had a match for the bone marrow she needed...

The doctors told him it was a matter of life and death. After he had the surgery, he asked the doctors how long he had to live.

He thought if he gave his bone marrow to let his sister live he would die – but he did it anyway.

It says somewhere on the page: "FML for optimist". I like that!

Lauren is home tonight. Yes, here in Fort Laudy. =) She has two weeks leave and drove her new car from OKC to here over the last two days. She did well and drove the first 12 hours to P-Cola and stayed with a buddy from Aircrew who is not in the program anymore. Slept for a couple of hours and then drove the other 11 hours today. This is a kid who's never driven more than an hour from home/wherever that is by herself. She did well. I found out this morning that my mom was on the phone with her most of the night keeping her company through the bowels of Louisianna.

Next weekend is her big 21+1 birthday. I went back and read all these old post I did the week before her birthday last year. Kinda a countdown to the Big 21. Here's the first one and you can go from there if you want. Can you believe a year has gone by already??

We, of course, are having a blowout at the compound. It'll be the 21+1 Birthday Party. Mainly because she was in P-cola for her birthday last year and we all missed it a pretty important birthday! 21 is special but we are gonna make 22 REALLY special! Oh, and your all invited!

Have a great Friday!!