Saturday, July 17, 2010

Epic Battle With A Bug (2)

Another of my favorite post from June of last year..... I abhor Cockroaches. No, really I do. And I'm deathly afraid of them too.

This story is an epic battle. And its an ongoing battle that I have all too often living in Florida. I LOVE having my brother living here with me now. I no longer have to ask strangers to help me destroy said bugs. Read on, you'll see there are no limits to who's help I'll enlist when I'm up against a roach.....

Yes, we know I hate Zombies. There is one more thing I hate....yes one thing on this earth that I despise as much if not more. Probably more cause I've never seen a zombie (thank your diety). I live in a state that is teeming with cuckarachas aka cockroaches. I'm not even gonna type that word again, because even doing that gives me the heebie jeebies.

I scream like a little bitch when I see them. I run, I beg for people to kill them for me. You see I can barely even do that. It has to be super extreme special circumstances before I'll kill one. And only by spraying Raid or whatevers close on it. Yes, I've used hairspray and Windex when it was the only thing I could get to. I absolutely will not under NO circumstances ever step on one. ugh. gross. Makes me puke a little in my mouth thinking about it. oh shhhhit, I'm breakin out in a sweat just typing this. I'm serious. I have a phobia. bad. And once they're dead, I cant pick them up. I'll put a papertowel or something over them until I can get someone to come remove the body.

Last night around 10:30ish I decided I wanted to go to bed and try to get a good nights sleep. The last week has been a little rough with the mangled extremity. I go and get ready; pj's, brush teeth, tv & puter off, take an Ambien. And I'm doing the final front door lock check (cause Im OCD like that - gotta check multi times) and for whatever reason I decide to step outside on the patio and bring in the 10 different toys Remi has left out there in case it rains. He is worse than a 5 year old. At least a 5 year old will pick up toys occasionaly.

I walk out the door, close it and start picking up toys. I turn around and SCREEAAAM OMG JESUS CHRIST!! The mother of all mother "you know whats" is sitting not 2 inches from the door handle. IT WAS AT LEAST 2 1/2 inches long. The same flippen door I just came out of! Oh shit. What am I going to do. Oh fuck. I'm trapped outside. No phone, No Raid, and wearing pj's! I'm freaked. I look around for something to throw at the little fuck hoping to get it to scurry away. Rocks! There's little rocks in the garden by the gate. I get some rocks and start throwing them at it. Nothing, Nothing, Nothing, Bam! Hit right next to it. And to my horror, the flippen thing starts flying!!!! OMG its a female!! (only the females fly) Oh shit. It lands right back somewhere near the door, but once it started flying I ran a little and screamed some more so I'm not quite sure exactly where it landed.

Now I'm in a quandry. Do I make a break for it?? Try to get in the door?? What if it is near there and starts flying again and GOSH FORBID lands on me. I would die. I would probably break my other ankle from trying to jump the fence or something. I would most certainly be institutionalized for the rest of my life. I'm serious. I can never, ever be touched by one of these things. Making a break for it is not an option. So I start thinking of what I can do. No phone. FUCK! If I had my phone, I shit you not, I would've called my father and made him come over here and find and kill this flying beast. I'm racking my brain. What to do. And at that exact moment, the beast starts flying around again!! Good thing I didnt make a break for it, cause surely it would have gotten me. It lands. I'm pacing.

I live in a cottage behind a house that a friend lives in. But Dominicks lights are all out. Its now at least 11pm. Yes, this shit has been going on for at least a half hour at this point. I look at the other end of my cottage where there is an efficiency unit that this nice kid who's doing an internship for the Sun Sentinal lives in. AHA!! His lights are on!! I go over to the door and I can hear the tv on inside. I knock. Nothing. I knock again. Nothing again. FUCK. I just want to get inside my place. I want to go to bed. The goddamn Ambien is kicking in at this point. I'm tired.

I go back and stare at my door for awhile longer, trying to get up the nerve to make a break for it. I just cant do it. I try to will my body, but I cant. I look over at the efficiency again. I've got to get him over here. I go back and knock really hard. Yessssssss, movement inside. He comes to the door in his boxers. He opens the door and I'm babbling..."I live next door, I'm terrified of roaches, there is one blocking my front door and terrorizing me, can you please come kill it for me, I beg of you, please??" He just stares at me like I've got three heads and says, "sure let me go get some clothes on". I'm all like, "No, its ok, I've got 4 brothers, I've seen boxers before". He just looks at me again and said, "I'm just gonna put some shoes on". I feel like an idiot. But overjoyed and giddy almost! He's gonna kill the beast!!! yayayayyayayyayayayyay!!

He comes out and walks over to my gate and as he's walking around the corner he sees it and goes "WHOA!!" Ok, thats my vindication. I told you this fucker was big!! He's like hmmm I dont have bug spray. I'm like what can you kill it with?? And then I volunteered my flip flop. I'd throw it away after, but thats ok. He says no, I'll use mine. Now I cant watch the killing. It makes me sick. He's in there and swings at least four times from what I heard and he says, "wow, your a fast one!". Oh shit, please kill it!! Then bam! "Got it!!". And I go look and yep, it was dead on the patio. I thank him and he goes to leave. I'm like, "OH no, can you please get rid of it??" I cant have a dead beast carcass laying around. no, no, no. He looks at me and says, "sure, got a broom?" So I go inside, get the broom and he sweeps it into the bushes. I thank him profusely, promise to make him dinner or buy him a 12 pack or have his first born. Well, not really the first born, but I promise him the moon for saving my life!! He was super sweet, said thats ok and went back to his place. I love that boy. He's my hero.

I go inside and I kid you not, its 11:20pm. Damn near an hour spent fighting a war with a 2 1/2 inch creature. I locked the door, double checked it and was done. I dont think I lasted 5 minutes and was sound asleep. Mentally exhausted from the ordeal and I'm sure the Ambien helped.

It sucks to be that afraid of such a small thing. And it doesnt even bite.

5 comments:

Southern Sage said...

Just a widdle bitty roach?
sheeeeeeeesh

Ann T. said...

Dear peedee,
Oh, yeah. I lived in Louisiana. I used to live pretty close to a river and OMG. I am just as freaked out by the little bastards.

There was then (and today) no food that was not in glass or metal containers in my pantry. I can kill the bug, but I have to yell as I smack or I'll hear 'em die.

I am an excellent killer of bugs, (practice required, and much screaming) but like you, ick! also to pick them up. I can however use a dustpan if I prepare myself a little ahead of time. Also, I can't sleep when they have been seen. For months.

In Louisiana, lumber imports have brought the Thai roach, or some such. It is as long as a freakin' cigar and it flies. I was on my back porch writing major literature when I saw my first one. Aaaaaah!

But that is not the worst story.

Right here in HotWinds, far from the tropics, I bought a box of Nabisco Premium Saltine crackers, fully sealed. But the inner packs weren't sealed at all. That meant I got every freaking kind of cuca that ever sat in the factory, truck, warehouse, and grocery store in my house. I was completely invaded and didn't even know it until they began their attack and infiltration. HOLY SHIT!!!!

Fortunately, due to my Fort Knox pantry regimen (I am not that neat about anything else, but BUGZ, ick)
I was able to isolate my source within 24 hours. It was like being in hell.

The exterminator took care of me, and, I wrote Nabisco Premium. They sent me some form letter back about their factories being clean and a coupon for $2.00 off more Premium Crackers.

AS IF!!!!!!!!!

One freaking ick after another! I still dream about them sometimes.

I'm glad you lived, and
I love your neighbor!!

Muah! xoxoxo
Ann T.

vixen kitten said...

Good gosh I had the willies just reading that. *shudder*

Let me start out by saying I don't kill things. If I find a spider or something in the house I just scoop it up and put it outside. My exception to that rule would be a roach. They suck the life out of me just looking at them. I am fortunate that they don't live outside here. I spent a few months in Florida many moons ago. I thought it would be heaven, since I'm a diver and could hit the Keys every weekend.

About my second night there, I was washing my face. The water is going full blast. With my 20/800 vision I see something large enough to carry me and a few friends off, swimming UPSTREAM of the blasting water. I run screaming outside, to which my flight attendant neighbor comes over to see what the hell is wrong with me. I blabber and make no sense, on top of the fact that my face is covered in Clinique soap. She comes inside and I point.

"Oh, that's just a Palmetto bug. They come from the sewer. Let one or two of the little green cameleons in from the patio and you won't ever see one again."

The next day I ask a friend about Palmetto bugs, since many moons ago was before the internet. He tells me that is a fancy Bal Harbor term for a cockroach. I puke right there on the spot. The thought that I had one that close to me, and now have to go back to that condo made shudder. I am freaking out thinking I am renting some ghetto slum place for the next few months! I am assured that even the best places have them. I pay an exterminator to hermetically disinfect the place. I let as many green cameleons as I can in. I never did see another one, but I never slept so little in my entire life. I was terrified to go to bed and turn out the lights!

Would it surprise you to know I've never been back to Florida!

Or that I have some strange love/attraction to Billy the Exterminator. He is my ultimate man, and trust me when I say I don't say that about too many men! Well, not counting Sage. :)

xoxo
~vk~

PS...I would have totally had the kind neighbor kids first born for what he did for you!

vixen kitten said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
peedee said...

pfffffft. Sage! =/

And ladies, I'm glad I'm not the only one scared shitless of these beasts!!

Great stories!! Thanks for stopping by! Muahs!