Yes, we know I hate Zombies. There is one more thing I hate....yes one thing on this earth that I despise as much if not more. Probably more cause I've never seen a zombie (thank your diety). I live in a state that is teeming with cuckarachas aka cockroaches. I'm not even gonna type that word again, because even doing that gives me the heebie jeebies.
I scream like a little bitch when I see them. I run, I beg for people to kill them for me. You see I can barely even do that. It has to be super extreme special circumstances before I'll kill one. And only by spraying Raid or whatevers close on it. Yes, I've used hairspray and Windex when it was the only thing I could get to. I absolutely will not under NO circumstances ever step on one. ugh. gross. Makes me puke a little in my mouth thinking about it. oh shhhhit, I'm breakin out in a sweat just typing this. I'm serious. I have a phobia. bad. And once they're dead, I cant pick them up. I'll put a papertowel or something over them until I can get someone to come remove the body.
Last night around 10:30ish I decided I wanted to go to bed and try to get a good nights sleep. The last week has been a little rough with the mangled extremity. I go and get ready; pj's, brush teeth, tv & puter off, take an Ambien. And I'm doing the final front door lock check (cause Im OCD like that - gotta check multi times) and for whatever reason I decide to step outside on the patio and bring in the 10 different toys Remi has left out there in case it rains. He is worse than a 5 year old. At least a 5 year old will pick up toys occasionaly.
I walk out the door, close it and start picking up toys. I turn around and SCREEAAAM OMG JESUS CHRIST!! The mother of all mother "you know whats" is sitting not 2 inches from the door handle. IT WAS AT LEAST 2 1/2 inches long. The same flippen door I just came out of! Oh shit. What am I going to do. Oh fuck. I'm trapped outside. No phone, No Raid, and wearing pj's! I'm freaked. I look around for something to throw at the little fuck hoping to get it to scurry away. Rocks! There's little rocks in the garden by the gate. I get some rocks and start throwing them at it. Nothing, Nothing, Nothing, Bam! Hit right next to it. And to my horror, the flippen thing starts flying!!!! OMG its a female!! (only the females fly) Oh shit. It lands right back somewhere near the door, but once it started flying I ran a little and screamed some more so I'm not quite sure exactly where it landed.
Now I'm in a quandry. Do I make a break for it?? Try to get in the door?? What if it is near there and starts flying again and GOSH FORBID lands on me. I would die. I would probably break my other ankle from trying to jump the fence or something. I would most certainly be institutionalized for the rest of my life. I'm serious. I can never, ever be touched by one of these things. So making a break for it is not an option. So I start thinking of what I can do. No phone. FUCK! If I had my phone, I shit you not, I would've called my father and made him come over here and find and kill this flying beast. I'm racking my brain. What to do. And at that exact moment, the beast starts flying around again!! Good thing I didnt make a break for it, cause surely it would have gotten me. It lands. I'm pacing.
I live in a cottage behind a house that a friend lives in. But Dominicks lights are all out. Its now at least 11pm. Yes, this shit has been going on for at least a half hour at this point. I look at the other end of my cottage where there is an efficiency unit that this nice kid who's doing an internship for the Sun Sentinal lives in. AHA!! His lights are on!! I go over to the door and I can hear the tv on inside. I knock. Nothing. I knock again. Nothing again. FUCK. I just want to get inside my place. I want to go to bed. The goddamn Ambien is kicking in at this point. I'm tired.
I go back and stare at my door for awhile longer, trying to get up the nerve to make a break for it. I just cant do it. I try to will my body, but I cant. I look over at the efficiency again. I've got to get him over here. I go back and knock really hard. Yessssssss, movement inside. He comes to the door in his boxers. He opens the door and I'm babbling..."I live next door, I'm terrified of roaches, there is one blocking my front door and terrorizing me, can you please come kill it for me, I beg of you, please??" He just stares at me like I've got three heads and says, "sure let me go get some clothes on". I'm all like, "No, its ok, I've got 4 brothers, I've seen boxers before". He just looks at me again and said, "I'm just gonna put some shoes on". I feel like an idiot. But overjoyed and giddy almost! He's gonna kill the beast!!! yayayayyayayyayayayyay!!
He comes out and walks over to my gate and as he's walking around the corner he sees it and goes "WHOA!!" Ok, thats my vindication. I told you this fucker was big!! He's like hmmm I dont have bug spray. I'm like what can you kill it with?? And then I volunteered my flip flop. I'd throw it away after, but thats ok. He says no, I'll use mine. Now I cant watch the killing. It makes me sick. He's in there and swings at least four times from what I heard and he says, "wow, your a fast one!". Oh shit, please kill it!! Then bam! "Got it!!". And I go look and yep, it was dead on the patio. I thank him and he goes to leave. I'm like, "OH no, can you please get rid of it??" I cant have a dead beast carcass laying around. no, no, no. He looks at me and says, "sure, got a broom?" So I go inside, get the broom and he sweeps it into the bushes. I thank him profusely, promise to make him dinner or buy him a 12 pack or have his first born. Well, not really the first born, but I promise him the moon for saving my life!! He was super sweet, said thats ok and went back to his place. I love that boy. He's my hero.
I go inside and I kid you not, its 11:20pm. Damn near an hour spent fighting a war with a 2 1/2 inch creature. I locked the door, double checked it and was done. I dont think I lasted 5 minutes and was sound asleep. Mentally exhausted from the ordeal and I'm sure the Ambien helped.
It sucks to be that afraid of such a small thing. And it doesnt even bite.
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